JULY 22, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: Reno and McCaffrey Seek Fairer Cocaine Sentencing. Impact: If Reno and McCaffrey had successfully convinced Clinton to narrow the sentencing gap sooner, perhaps we would have seen a more equitable justice system. Or maybe just more people arguing over the best way to snort powdered sugar instead of cocaine.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more complex than drug sentencing laws is trying to explain them to your grandmother?.
• Headline: Harvard Chapel Welcomes Gay Ceremonies. Impact: By allowing gay couples to hold ceremonies at Harvard, the university inadvertently sparked a wave of academic papers debating whether love can truly be measured by the number of degrees one has. Spoiler: it can't.. Fact: Fun fact: Harvard's acceptance rate for gay couples is still higher than for straight students who can't find their way around the campus..
• Headline: Icahn's $300 Million Restructuring Plan. Impact: Icahn's audacious plans to raise $300 million could have led to a renaissance of bankrupt casinos; instead, it probably just resulted in more people losing their money and wondering why they thought gambling was a good idea in the first place.. Fact: Did you know that in Las Vegas, 'bankruptcy' is just a fancy word for 'taking a break from winning'?.
• Headline: U.S. ASSAILS CHINA OVER SUPPRESSION OF RELIGIOUS LIFE. Impact: The U.S. State Department's criticism of China set off a chain reaction of diplomatic awkwardness that would eventually lead to endless Twitter beefs and memes about freedom of religion. Because nothing says 'freedom' quite like a meme.. Fact: Did you know that the U.S. government has issued more complaints than a disgruntled customer at a fast-food drive-thru?.
• Headline: John E. Hines, Episcopal Leader, Dies at 86. Impact: John E. Hines’ death marked not only the end of an era for the Episcopal Church but also the beginning of a new one, where church leaders realized they could actually include more than just white males in their ranks. Shocking, I know.. Fact: Fun fact: Hines once said that if he knew how to juggle, he would have run the church like a circus. Guess we’ll never know..
• Headline: What Controls Blood Flow? Blood. Impact: The discovery that hemoglobin controls blood flow led to more questions than answers. Like, why can’t hemoglobin control my urge to eat an entire pizza in one sitting?. Fact: Did you know that blood is basically just a really complex delivery service for oxygen? No tips required!.
• Headline: Speculators Press Attack On South Asian Countries. Impact: The attacks by currency speculators on South Asian economies created a domino effect that could be traced to every time someone panicked about their investments. It’s practically a reality show at this point.. Fact: Fun fact: currency speculation is like gambling, but with a lot more spreadsheets and far fewer neon lights..
• Headline: Friend of Gnats, Nits and Mites Has One Message: '6 Legs Good'. Impact: Dr. May R. Berenbaum's advocacy for insects could have led to a world where bugs become the new pets. Imagine hipsters walking beetles on leashes at the park; it would have been a sight to see.. Fact: Did you know that insects outnumber humans by about 200 million to one? So, if they ever decide to revolt, we’re in trouble!.
• Headline: Guiding the Giants With a Caring Hand. Impact: Wellington Mara’s induction into the Hall of Fame inspired countless fans to think that owning a football team might be their path to glory. Spoiler alert: it usually involves a lot more money and a lot less glory.. Fact: Did you know that owning a sports team is like owning a pet that never stops asking for money?.