JULY 9, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: Ancient Rocks Reveal Secrets of Dinosaur Extinction. Impact: Had that meteor not crashed, dinosaurs might have developed advanced civilizations, leaving us to ponder how we might have been the second smartest species on Earth. Imagine dinosaur philosophers debating the existence of humans!. Fact: Dinosaurs had a better track record of surviving climate change than we do. Just saying..
• Headline: Yale Rejects Kramer's Generous Gay Studies Gift. Impact: By refusing Kramer's millions, Yale inadvertently set off a chain reaction that would lead to decades of underfunded gay studies programs, forcing future generations to endure endless debates about 'What does it mean to be queer?' in poorly lit classrooms.. Fact: Yale's motto is 'Lux et Veritas,' which translates to 'Light and Truth.' Apparently, they forgot to include 'Money Talks.'.
• Headline: Controversy Over Multiracial Census Classification. Impact: By rejecting a multiracial category, the task force ensured that future generations would continue to fill out forms in confusion, leading to a never-ending saga of 'What box do I check?' that could have been resolved with a simple 'all of the above.'. Fact: If you add up all the racial categories in the U.S. Census, you might just get a whole new country..
• Headline: Burial of Veteran's Remains. Impact: Col. Abrams' burial with honors serves as a reminder that even in death, respect is given to those who served, while the rest of us are left to argue about whether pineapple belongs on pizza.. Fact: Arlington National Cemetery is the final resting place for over 400,000 veterans, proving that sacrifice is sometimes the best way to ensure a nice view in the afterlife..
• Headline: Two Cities Enjoy a Renaissance. Impact: Seattle and Cleveland's renaissance might just have created a parallel universe where they are both sports powerhouses, and the rest of us are left wondering how we got stuck with watching teams like the Browns.. Fact: Seattle is known for its coffee culture, while Cleveland is known for... well, let's just say it's not coffee..
• Headline: Mumeo Oku, Japanese Pioneer In Women's Rights, Dies at 101. Impact: Mumeo Oku's passing signifies a pivotal moment where Japan might have lost its loudest voice for women's rights, possibly setting back progress by decades, as if we needed another reminder that progress is often a game of 'tag, you're it.'. Fact: Owing to Mumeo's efforts, Japan's consumer movement gained traction, showing that sometimes, all you need is a little push (and possibly a megaphone)..
• Headline: Nicklaus Puts Off Decision on British Open. Impact: Nicklaus's indecision could have created a time loop where every golfer feels compelled to wait until the last minute, leading to a worldwide epidemic of procrastination that might have made studying for finals a breeze.. Fact: Jack Nicklaus is known as 'The Golden Bear.' Perhaps he should consider 'The Indecisive Bear' instead..
• Headline: Tyson's Hearing Is Set Today; His Plea Could Affect Ruling. Impact: Dalgety's financial woes could have led to a food crisis, where people would resort to eating pet food as a cheap alternative, sparking a strange culinary trend that might have resulted in gourmet cat food restaurants.. Fact: In the pet food industry, 'human-grade' is basically code for 'we ran out of ideas for actual food.'.
• Headline: Pet Food Business To Hurt Dalgety Profit. Impact: Tyson's hearing could have sent shockwaves through the boxing community, with future fighters considering ear protection as essential gear, leading to a bizarre fashion trend of oversized helmets in the ring.. Fact: Mike Tyson once claimed he wanted to eat his opponents' children. So, really, biting off an ear was practically a compliment..