JUNE 19, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: Muster and Capriati Withdraw from Wimbledon. Impact: If only Thomas Muster and Jennifer Capriati had played, the entire course of tennis history might have changed. Maybe the two would have teamed up for a mixed doubles championship and led to an unprecedented tennis dynasty—where the sport is ruled by a celebrity couple instead of just a bunch of racquet-wielding robots. Fact: Did you know that skipping Wimbledon can lead to a lifetime ban from tea and crumpets? Just kidding, but it does mean missing out on that lovely grass court aroma.
• Headline: Nets Explore Trade Options for Williams. Impact: Jayson Williams’ trade could have altered the very fabric of basketball, leading to a chain reaction of trades that might have ended with the Nets winning the championship—if only they had better luck than they did with their actual roster. Fact: Did you know that trading in basketball is a lot like trading Pokémon cards? Except the stakes are way higher and the players don't yell 'I choose you!' before making a deal.
• Headline: Lane Timmons, 81, Former Envoy to Haiti. Impact: Lane Timmons’ passing might have more implications than just a loss of a former envoy. His life’s work in Haiti could have spurred a whole new generation of diplomats who realize that a career in politics might not just be about the perks but about making actual change. Fact: Did you know that being an ambassador is kind of like being a babysitter for countries? You get to tell everyone to play nice, but you can’t really do much when they start throwing tantrums.
• Headline: Ill Will Prevails as House Finance Inquiry Adopts Set of Rules. Impact: The partisan bickering in the House Finance Inquiry could have potentially led to a new reality TV show: 'Capitol Brawl: Budget Edition.' It would have made political debates extremely entertaining—if not a little terrifying. Fact: Did you know that if politicians spent half as much time solving problems as they do arguing about them, we might actually have a chance at world peace? Or at least a functioning budget.
• Headline: Acquittal in Fraud Case. Impact: The acquittal of James T. Jennings might have inadvertently led to a renaissance of valet parking, inspiring shady businessmen everywhere to believe they too could defy the odds and get away with it—at least until the next jury trial. Fact: Did you know that valet parking is the only profession where you can literally steal someone's car and just call it 'taking it for a spin'? No wonder everyone wants in on that action.
• Headline: Though Mets Lost Twice, 'It Was a Great Three Days'. Impact: The Mets’ losses could have set off a chain reaction of fan disappointment that led to the creation of support groups for distressed baseball fans—because nothing says solidarity like crying over your team's failures together. Fact: Did you know that the Mets are basically the baseball equivalent of a soap opera? Lots of drama, plenty of tears, and somehow, they always manage to come back for another season.