JUNE 18, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: B Sky B Chief Executive Resigns Announcement. Impact: Sam Chisholm's resignation triggered a chain of events that led to the rise of reality TV. Without him, we might not have had 'The Real Housewives of Anywhere' or 'Survivor: The Boardroom Edition'. Fact: Did you know that the British Sky Broadcasting Group was once the go-to for actual sky-related programming? Just kidding, it was always about the same old British dramas and sports!.
• Headline: Milbury Pursues Draft Deals for Islanders. Impact: Mike Milbury's draft deal attempts set off a series of questionable trades that ultimately led to the New York Islanders' fans developing an impressive level of patience, rivaling that of monks. Fact: Did you know that Mike Milbury once famously said, 'I could have played in the NHL, but I chose to manage instead'? Just kidding! No one ever says that.
• Headline: Vendors Banned from Busy Streets. Impact: This ruling led to a dramatic decline in availability of street hot dogs, which in turn caused a significant rise in the consumption of overpriced food from fancy restaurants. Thanks, Giuliani!. Fact: Did you know that New York City once had more food vendors than actual residents? Just kidding! But that would explain the city's affinity for snacks during parades.
• Headline: Old Plots and New Profits: Watergate at 25. Impact: The commemoration of Watergate reminded politicians everywhere that scandal brings not just downfall, but also a lucrative career in memoir writing. Thanks to Nixon, ghostwriters everywhere flourished. Fact: Did you know that Watergate was not just a hotel but a turning point in American politics? It’s like the 'Game of Thrones' of political scandals—lots of drama, betrayal, and a bit of regret.
• Headline: Cautious Yankees Put Williams on Disabled List. Impact: Bernie Williams' injury led to a sudden surge in bat-waving therapy sessions, thus ensuring that future generations of Yankees fans would be well-trained in the art of dramatic gestures. Fact: Did you know that the 'disabled list' in baseball was originally just a suggestion? Players would just take a nap and hope no one noticed.
• Headline: EMI Plans Return Of Capital to Holders. Impact: EMI's capital return sparked a wave of similar actions among corporations. Suddenly, every company felt the need to give back, leading to a bizarre period where shareholders were showered with random gifts, like fruit baskets and questionable merchandise. Fact: Did you know EMI once signed both the Beatles and the Sex Pistols? Talk about a musical rollercoaster—one moment you're singing 'Hey Jude,' and the next, it's 'God Save the Queen.'.
• Headline: Poll Says Half Like Governor. Impact: The poll showing half of voters liked Governor Whitman caused a rift in the universe. It ultimately led to the creation of a parallel dimension where all politicians were universally loved, resulting in a dystopia of extreme optimism. Fact: Did you know that politicians love polls almost as much as they love campaign donations? It’s like a popularity contest but with more suits and fewer high school drama queens.
• Headline: TCI to buy a block of its stock from estate of late founder.. Impact: TCI's stock buyback led to a bizarre trend where companies started buying back their own stocks to appear more attractive. It’s like a corporate self-esteem boost that lasted until the next quarterly report. Fact: Did you know that TCI once had the brightest minds in telecommunications? They also had the most questionable fashion choices—lots of polyester and bad ties.
• Headline: The Heart of the Mets' Order Is a Disappointment. Impact: The Mets' disappointing performance sent shockwaves through the baseball world, resulting in a new generation of fans learning the art of coping with disappointment. It’s practically a rite of passage in New York. Fact: Did you know that the Mets have a long history of disappointment? It’s almost like a tradition, akin to the Thanksgiving turkey being dry every year.