JUNE 9, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: G.O.P. Proposes $16 Billion Health Plan. Impact: If those G.O.P. lawmakers had actually delivered on health care for children, we might have avoided the rise of the supervillain known as 'The Insurance Executive'—a creature that thrives on loopholes and pre-existing conditions.. Fact: Did you know that $16 billion is roughly the same amount spent by Americans on Halloween candy each year? Too bad kids can't pay their medical bills with Snickers..
• Headline: Jersey City Mayoral Runoff Decision. Impact: The decision on the runoff could have resulted in a butterfly effect causing an alternate universe where Jersey City is ruled by sentient pizza that only delivers on Thursdays.. Fact: Did you know that in New Jersey, the only thing more contentious than a runoff election is the debate over who makes the best pork roll?.
• Headline: Farewell to a Railroad Tower. Impact: The demolition of that railroad tower could have signaled the beginning of an age where all train stations are replaced with Instagrammable coffee shops, transforming travel into a brunch experience.. Fact: Did you know that some people mourned the loss of that tower as if it were a beloved pet? Spoiler alert: it was just a tower..
• Headline: Stockton Flings Jazz Into Tie With the Bulls. Impact: If the Jazz hadn't won that game, Chicago might have adopted a 'no jazz allowed' policy, leading to a musical drought that would have left the city's streets eerily silent.. Fact: Did you know the Jazz and Bulls are basically just two teams playing a high-stakes game of musical chairs? Just with more sweat..
• Headline: G.M. and U.A.W. Preparing for Strike At Three Factories. Impact: If the U.A.W. had successfully negotiated better conditions, we could have seen a world where auto workers were venerated as modern-day gladiators, leading to car factories being more popular than blockbuster movies.. Fact: Did you know that the last time GM and U.A.W. got along, they celebrated with a cake? Too bad it was made of tires..
• Headline: Bridge. Impact: The qualification for the world bridge championships could have sparked a competitive bridge-playing league where rivalries grow so intense that they rival those of major sports—complete with fan chants and face paint.. Fact: Did you know that bridge is the only sport where you can argue with your partner without it being a relationship-ending fight? Just a normal Tuesday!.
• Headline: Tradition on Trial As New Yorker Rethinks Cartoons. Impact: The rethinking of cartoons could have paved the way for a world where humor is redefined, and suddenly everyone's living in a sitcom where the laugh track is more important than the plot.. Fact: Did you know that cartoons in The New Yorker are like fine wine? They take a long time to appreciate and often leave you confused about what just happened!.