JUNE 6, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tragic Incident in Hackensack. Impact: If only William Sennit had chosen a different hobby, like knitting, we might have avoided an entire generation of crime novels based on tragic love stories. Instead, we got more true crime podcasts. Thanks, William.. Fact: Did you know that Hackensack is famous for its... well, not much? It's basically a suburb that’s trying really hard to make headlines..
• Headline: Pulitzer Prize-Winning Journalist J. Anthony Lukas Dies. Impact: J. Anthony Lukas's passing sparked a movement for more Pulitzer Prizes, leading to an increase in aspiring writers who think they can achieve fame while wearing pajamas. Spoiler alert: They can't.. Fact: Did you know that Pulitzer Prizes were originally designed to encourage journalistic excellence? Now they mostly encourage people to write sad poetry..
• Headline: Man Wanted: Must Have Excellent Penmanship. Impact: This headline set off a chain reaction where everyone suddenly believed they could be calligraphers, leading to the world's largest collection of unreadable love letters. Thanks, Peter Greenaway!. Fact: Did you know that 'excellent penmanship' is often used as a euphemism for 'I went to art school and now I’m broke'?.
• Headline: Chicago Schools Set Standard In Insisting Students Perform. Impact: The Chicago schools' newfound insistence on performance led to a ripple effect where students became workaholics by the age of 10. Welcome to a future of overqualified baristas!. Fact: Did you know that Chicago was once considered the worst school system? Turns out, tough love is a better teacher than just throwing money at the problem..
• Headline: Back Home, Jazz Hopes to Play at Higher Level. Impact: The Bulls' victories over the Jazz created a fan frenzy that pushed basketball to new heights, leading to a future where basketball players get more airtime than actual politicians. Priorities, right?. Fact: Did you know that the NBA Finals are basically just rich people playing sports while the rest of us wonder why we paid for cable?.
• Headline: Wanna Bet? Come on Out, Belmont Says. Impact: The betting frenzy around the Belmont Stakes led to the creation of betting apps, allowing everyone to lose money from the comfort of their couches. Who knew tragedy could be so convenient?. Fact: Did you know that if Silver Charm wins, it would be a historic event? You know, like every meme that goes viral for five minutes..
• Headline: RESULTS PLUS. Impact: Alabama's victory in the College World Series qualifying game ignited a sports rivalry that led to a future where college athletes make more money than many professionals. Way to set the bar!. Fact: Did you know that Alabama is known for its football more than anything else? Yes, even more than its cuisine. Just don’t tell the chefs!.