MAY 14, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: Continental Airlines Jet Cargo Controversy. Impact: Had Continental Airlines known they were carrying oxygen generators, they might have upgraded their safety protocols. Instead, some poor soul in the future invents a new line of fire-resistant cargo pants for flight attendants—thanks, FAA!. Fact: Oxygen generators: great for helping you breathe, terrible for keeping your plane in one piece..
• Headline: IBM's Market Comeback and Record High. Impact: IBM's stock recovery led to the eventual rise of tech giants, but also the creation of countless meme stocks. Thank you, IBM, for paving the way for future investors to lose money on dog-themed cryptocurrencies.. Fact: In 1993, if you bought IBM stock, you could’ve bought a small island with your returns by now—if you could find one that wasn’t already a tech company..
• Headline: Martinez Leads Offense And Cone Does the Rest. Impact: The Yankees' victory over the Twins solidified their status as the team to beat, leading decades of rivalries, and ultimately, the creation of that one friend who always wears a Yankees cap, even at weddings.. Fact: Yankees fans still hold a grudge against the Twins, like a bad breakup that never really ends..
• Headline: Lakers' O'Neal Is Willing to Accept Some of the Blame. Impact: Shaquille O'Neal taking the blame for the Lakers' loss may have altered the course of NBA history, creating a culture where athletes feel the need to apologize for everything, even stepping on a court.. Fact: In a parallel universe, Shaq never apologizes, and the Lakers never lose—imagine that alternate reality!.
• Headline: Bodies and Stolen Vehicles Leave a Trail Heading East. Impact: Andrew Cunanan's killing spree not only shocked the nation but also inspired countless true crime documentaries, leading to a future where armchair detectives reign supreme on social media.. Fact: Cunanan's spree highlights how society can become obsessed with the morbid—thank you, Netflix, for feeding that addiction..
• Headline: BBN Discloses a Bid Higher Than GTE's. Impact: BBN's bid disclosure could have led to corporate espionage becoming an Olympic sport, with CEOs competing to out-bid each other in secret meetings at the finest sushi restaurants.. Fact: In the corporate world, 'nominally higher' is just code for 'I should've brought my lawyer to this dinner.'.
• Headline: From the Birdhouse to (Maybe) the Jailhouse. Impact: Suzanne Levy's battle with bureaucracy might have inspired a future reality TV show called 'Permit Wars,' where homeowners fight to the death over the right to place a bird feeder.. Fact: In some cities, you need a permit for everything—next, they'll be requiring one for breathing..
• Headline: Rent Decontrol Study: From No Impact to 30% Increases. Impact: This rent decontrol study may have set off a chain reaction of landlords raising rents so high that future generations will have to live in treehouses to avoid bankruptcy.. Fact: Rents in NYC are like a game of Jenga; one wrong move and your financial stability comes crashing down..