MAY 8, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: Viacom Reports Loss for the First Quarter. Impact: Viacom's financial woes led to a future obsession with 'reality TV', as producers realized they could create content for pennies on the dollar, forever altering the entertainment landscape.. Fact: Viacom's loss was so impressive that it could have been the plot twist of a soap opera. 'And then, the network learned that drama sells… except when it comes to their finances!'.
• Headline: Proletarian Harvard Turns 150, Its Mission Expanding. Impact: City College's anniversary sparked a wave of similar institutions to start celebrating arbitrary milestones, leading to an explosion of '150th Anniversary' branded merchandise that no one needed.. Fact: Happy 150th, CCNY! Did you know you were the first college to celebrate a birthday by throwing a party no one knew about? Sounds like a typical family gathering!.
• Headline: Panel Advises Telling Troops of Possible Mustard Gas Exposure. Impact: The mustard gas exposure revelation led to a future of paranoid soldiers and a bizarre surge in gas mask fashion, inspiring a whole new line of military chic.. Fact: Mustard gas? That's a recipe for disaster! And here I thought the only thing soldiers had to worry about was running out of snacks in the field..
• Headline: It All Comes Back To Family. Impact: Puzo's interview revitalized interest in mob stories, leading to a resurgence of 'family' dramas that ultimately resulted in a flood of mediocre crime novels in the early 2000s.. Fact: Mario Puzo: the man who taught us that crime families are just like regular families, only with more cannoli and fewer family therapy sessions!.
• Headline: 61 Arrested in Air Cargo Sting Near Kennedy. Impact: The air cargo sting became a training case study for future law enforcement, proving that undercover operations are best conducted in settings where cargo is stolen, not at your cousin's wedding.. Fact: 61 arrests for stealing air cargo? Talk about a heist that really takes the wind out of your sails. I guess they were just trying to 'air' their grievances!.