MAY 1, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: Gary Stevens Joins Racing Hall of Fame. Impact: Gary Stevens winning a Hall of Fame spot inspired a generation of wannabe jockeys to trade their dreams of becoming astronauts for horse racing, inadvertently leading to a surge in equine-themed video games in the late 90s. Thank you, Gary!. Fact: Did you know that being a jockey requires a lot of balance? And by balance, I mean balancing on a thousand-pound animal while going 30 mph. Sounds relaxing, right?.
• Headline: New Jersey's Campaign Against Underage Smoking. Impact: The New Jersey survey's findings on minors and cigarettes led to an unexpected surge in black-market candy cigarettes. Who knew that saying 'no' could create a new generation of candy dealers?. Fact: Did you know that the only thing harder to find than a kid who smokes is a kid who thinks candy cigarettes are still cool? Spoiler alert: they're not.
• Headline: Rand McNally Studies Sale. Impact: Rand McNally's potential sale led to a series of unfortunate events in the mapping world, leading GPS companies to develop their apps with a sense of 'we're not lost, we’re just exploring' – a concept that somehow still confuses millions today. Fact: Did you know Rand McNally once had a monopoly on maps? Bet they didn't foresee Google Maps making them about as relevant as a rotary phone.
• Headline: VIGOROUS ECONOMY EXPECTED TO EASE DEFICIT IN BUDGET. Impact: The booming economy led to the rise of avocado toast consumption and hipster cafes, which eventually resulted in a global crisis of overpriced brunches. All thanks to that brief moment of economic prosperity!. Fact: Did you know that the 5.6% growth rate is what economists call 'the good old days'? Now we're lucky if we get a 2% growth without a global pandemic.
• Headline: Reno Steadfast in Her Refusal To Name Independent Counsel. Impact: Janet Reno's refusal to name an independent counsel set a precedent that would echo through the halls of political controversies, leading to a spectacular increase in conspiracy theories. Thanks, Janet, for keeping the rumor mill alive!. Fact: Did you know that Janet Reno was known for her unwavering stance? If only that kind of determination could be bottled and sold during election season.
• Headline: Man Arrested in Lodi Slaying. Impact: The Lodi slaying case sent shockwaves through the local community, leading to a rise in neighborhood watch groups and a dramatic increase in true crime podcasts. Talk about turning tragedy into entertainment!. Fact: Did you know that sometimes true crime stories can make people feel safer? It's like watching a horror movie while clutching a pillow – comforting in a strange way.
• Headline: Zaire's President and Rebel Agree to Shipboard Meeting. Impact: The shipboard meeting between Mobutu and Kabila led to a series of diplomatic escapades that would make even the most seasoned international negotiators roll their eyes. Who knew that meeting on a boat could lead to chaos on land?. Fact: Did you know that meeting on a ship is often seen as a sign of peace? Unless you're on a pirate ship, in which case it's already too late.
• Headline: Impostor Still Hard to Tackle. Impact: The search for the impostor turned into a reality TV format, paving the way for shows like 'Who’s That Guy?' and 'Impostor Alert,' which somehow became more popular than actual football. Fact: Did you know that impersonating a football player is a bold strategy? It’s like trying to sell ice to penguins – not very effective, and probably not legal either.