APRIL 29, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: D'Amato's Shift on Rent Laws. Impact: D'Amato's moderate position could have paved the way for a New York rental utopia where landlords and tenants actually get along. But alas, here we are, still fighting over rent like it's the Hunger Games. Fact: In New York, the only thing more inflated than rent prices is the egos of politicians trying to 'fix' them.
• Headline: A Political Paint Job. Impact: If campaign literature could be posted anytime, we might have had the world's first political ad marathon. Imagine the chaos: back-to-back ads for weeks on end—talk about a reality show nobody asked for!. Fact: In New Jersey, you can’t put up political signs, but you can absolutely put up 20 different pizzerias’ advertisements. Priorities, right?.
• Headline: Wolters Likes Idea of Reunion in A.B.L.. Impact: If Wolters had not signed with the Blizzard, they might have just melted away into obscurity. But instead, she’s probably the reason anyone even remembers them, like a starry-eyed superhero saving a sinking ship. Fact: Kara Wolters' signing with a team called the Blizzard sounds like a plot twist from a cheesy sports movie—cue the inspirational music!.
• Headline: Lott Now Opposes Change in Inflation Adjuster. Impact: Had Lott followed through on cuts to Social Security, we might have seen an uptick in bingo nights turning into riotous free-for-alls as seniors fought over the last few cents. Who knew retirement could be so cutthroat?. Fact: Trent Lott once said that he would 'never cut' Social Security—guess he forgot the 'never' part when he got into politics!.
• Headline: Experts See Bias In Drug Data. Impact: If the drug industry and academia had always played nice, we might have had a world where scientists didn't have to hide their research under a bushel basket. Maybe we’d actually trust our doctors instead of Googling our symptoms. Fact: The only thing more biased than drug data is your Aunt Karen’s opinion on vaccines—just saying.
• Headline: Girardi Picks the Right Time for Homer No. 1. Impact: If Girardi had made his homer earlier, the Yankees might have avoided the whole 'curse of the Bambino' situation. Instead, they probably just delayed their inevitable heartbreak. Fact: The Yankees winning a game is about as common as a Starbucks on every corner—just like their fans, they’re everywhere!.
• Headline: Watson Hopes 80 Hours Is Enough. Impact: If Watson had faced fewer health problems, maybe he could have become the superhero the Yankees needed, leading them to glory instead of getting sidelined. But alas, it seems even the finest of managers have their limits. Fact: Bob Watson being a general manager is like a cat trying to manage a dog show—good luck with that!.