APRIL 28, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: Substitute Teacher Reliance in Trenton Schools. Impact: As substitute teachers took over lesson planning, a butterfly flapped its wings somewhere, leading to an entire generation of students being graded on interpretive dance and interpretive math. The world now struggles to find competent adults who can spell 'cat' without a text-to-speech app.. Fact: Did you know that New Jersey once tried to train squirrels to teach math? Just kidding, but with the way things are going, it might not be a bad idea..
• Headline: Cisco Pioneers Online Sales Innovation. Impact: Cisco's online sales success sparked a chain reaction that ultimately led to every company and their grandmother trying to sell things online, resulting in an internet littered with cat memes and questionable skincare products. Thanks, Cisco!. Fact: Did you know that Cisco originally sold fish nets? Oh wait, that’s a different Cisco. But wouldn't that be a fun twist?.
• Headline: Cordiant's Strategic Breakup Explained. Impact: Cordiant's breakup may have saved clients and employees, but it also sparked a corporate trend of 'We're putting you first!' while shareholders secretly wept in the corner. It's like a breakup where your ex still gets to keep the dog.. Fact: Did you know that corporate breakups often use the same playbook as celebrity divorces? Just less paparazzi and more spreadsheets..
• Headline: Slowing Suburban Sprawl. Impact: The attempt to slow suburban sprawl failed spectacularly, leading to the creation of suburbia's greatest nightmare: the endless strip mall. This eventually made everyone question why they ever left the city in the first place.. Fact: Did you know that suburban sprawl was once considered a 'great American dream'? Turns out, it was just a nightmare in disguise..
• Headline: Problem for Hollywood: DeGeneres's Companion. Impact: Anne Heche's announcement created ripples throughout Hollywood, leading to an era where publicists became the new therapists as stars navigated their many relationship dilemmas, ultimately resulting in complex love triangles that resemble a badly written soap opera.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'love triangle' has been used to describe both relationships and pizza slices? Only one is always cheesy..
• Headline: Lively Women, but Very Tired. Impact: The review of 'The Life' musical inadvertently propelled a wave of musicals about tired women, leading to Broadway's greatest hits like 'Exhausted Housewives: The Musical' and 'I Can't Even: A Musical About My Mental Health'.. Fact: Did you know that musical theater is the only place where you can sing about being tired and still be considered 'high energy'?.
• Headline: Bridge. Impact: The bridge column's etiquette advice led to an unexpected rise in bridge clubs insisting on 'no talking during the game'—which subsequently caused a national crisis in social interaction skills.. Fact: Did you know that bridge is the only game where your friends will forgive you for being terrible as long as you bring snacks?.
• Headline: Demonstrators Say a Conference on Volunteering Is Inadequate. Impact: The protest against volunteerism highlighted a societal struggle between altruism and practicality, resulting in a slew of volunteers who became more confused than ever about their roles—leading to awkward moments where they accidentally signed up to help organize a potato sack race instead of addressing poverty.. Fact: Did you know that the last time someone tried to replace policy with volunteerism, it ended with a bake sale that was a total disaster? Sounds about right..
• Headline: STATE TERM LIMITS ARE TRANSFORMING THE LEGISLATURES. Impact: The advent of state term limits instigated a political game of musical chairs, where lawmakers were constantly scrambling to get their agenda in before the music stopped—resulting in a political circus that would make even the clowns cringe.. Fact: Did you know that term limits were originally inspired by people who couldn't decide between chocolate and vanilla ice cream? Too many choices, too little time!.