APRIL 21, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: Concerns Over NJ Pension Plan Proposal. Impact: If only New Jersey had invested its pension funds in Bitcoin back then, we might have had a generation of retirees living on the moon by now. But instead, they decided to borrow billions. Classic New Jersey.. Fact: Did you know that New Jersey's state workers often joke about their pensions being like Bigfoot? Everyone talks about them, but no one ever actually sees the benefits..
• Headline: D'Amato's Influence on Transportation Legislation. Impact: D'Amato's ability to stall legislation on transportation could have led to a time where everyone commuted via flying cars. Instead, we got stuck in traffic—thanks a lot, Alfonse!. Fact: Did you know that Alfonse D'Amato once tried to pass a bill to allow dogs on public transport? Spoiler: It didn’t go anywhere..
• Headline: Clinton Advocates for Chemical Weapons Treaty. Impact: The failure of the Chemical Weapons Convention might have sent some rogue leaders back to the drawing board, leading to a future where they just start using bubble wrap as armor. Who knew?. Fact: Did you know the phrase 'chemical arms' could also refer to the industrial-sized bottle of shampoo I keep in my shower? Just saying..
• Headline: Experiment Leaves Legacy of Distrust Of New AIDS Drugs. Impact: This legacy of distrust could potentially lead to a world where every health announcement is met with skepticism, paving the way for conspiracy theories about kale being a government plot.. Fact: Did you know that the Tuskegee Study lasted for 40 years? It's like the longest-running soap opera, but with a much darker plot twist..
• Headline: In-Laws at Odds in Battle of Two Books. Impact: This epic literary battle could have resulted in a world where every family feud was solved by a book-off. Imagine Thanksgiving dinners turning into spontaneous poetry slams!. Fact: Did you know that the publishing industry has a 'copycat' award? Just kidding—though they should. It would be a bestseller!.
• Headline: Watkins Matthews, Rancher From Bygone Era, Dies at 98. Impact: Matthews' passing marked the final chapter of an era, potentially leading to a renaissance of ranchers who wear skinny jeans and drink oat milk lattes instead of cowboy hats.. Fact: Did you know that at 98, Matthews could probably tell stories that would make even the toughest cowboys weep? If only they recorded those tales!.
• Headline: Thomas Connor, Last of Dillinger Detail, 91. Impact: Connor's death might have closed the book on the Dillinger era, leading future criminals to realize that crime doesn't pay—unless you're really good at it.. Fact: Did you know that Dillinger once escaped from prison using a wooden gun? Talk about a plot twist worthy of Hollywood!.