APRIL 20, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: Boerne Torn Over Preservation and Religion. Impact: The split in Boerne led to a nationwide debate on church-state separation, prompting folks to question if their local bakery should serve communion wafers or just donuts. Thanks, Supreme Court!. Fact: Did you know that splitting over religious issues is the preferred pastime of townsfolk everywhere? It's almost as popular as splitting the check!.
• Headline: Honoring Lives: Richard Bradley's Perspective. Impact: This interview likely inspired a surge in funeral home attendance rates, as people started seeing funerals as social events. Who knew mourning could be so 'in'?. Fact: Funerals are just like weddings, minus the open bar and dancing. Talk about a party pooper!.
• Headline: Exploring Latest Shows in Atlantic City. Impact: As people flocked to casinos for entertainment, they inadvertently fueled the rise of 'I love losing my money' as a national pastime. It's basically the American dream in reverse. Fact: Did you know that casinos are like adult playgrounds? Just with less sand and more regret!.
• Headline: What Help Friends Can Give To Keep Up the State's Parks. Impact: The volunteer efforts in state parks could be traced back to a massive uptick in Instagram posts showcasing 'nature vibes,' leading to a generation of influencers pretending they hike for fun. Fact: Volunteering in state parks: because who needs a gym membership when you can just lift heavy rocks for free?.
• Headline: PLAYING IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD. Impact: The plethora of cultural events in NYC led to the rise of the 'I can’t make it, I’m busy' excuse, which became a staple in social interactions, ensuring everyone stays comfortably antisocial. Fact: Playing in the neighborhood is just a fancy way of saying, 'I hope the kids are louder than my Netflix show.'.
• Headline: Run-Ins With Fishing Nets Are Deadly for Porpoises. Impact: The porpoise deaths sparked outrage, leading to new fishing regulations that would eventually cause commercial fishermen to start a support group called 'Catch and Release Your Feelings'. Fact: Did you know porpoises are basically the puppies of the ocean? Losing them is a real 'ruff' situation for marine life!.
• Headline: Island Escape From Bangkok. Impact: Martha's travel article likely led to a tourism boom in Koh Samet, resulting in a new breed of tourists: the 'I just came for the Instagram photos' crowd. Fact: Travel writing: where you can sell the dream of paradise while secretly hating every sand-grain on your flip-flops!.
• Headline: RESULTS PLUS. Impact: Nick Price's near victory spurred a new generation of golfers who believed they too could achieve greatness, as long as they didn't mind losing their balls in bushes. Fact: Golf: the only sport where you pay to get frustrated by nature. Who knew hanging out with trees could be so expensive?.
• Headline: Congenial Settings Around Brooklyn. Impact: Brooklyn restaurants became the epicenter of hipster culture, where avocado toast became a symbol of social status and where the term 'locally sourced' was birthed. Fact: Did you know that Brooklyn restaurants are just like relationships? If it doesn't have a quirky backstory, you're probably better off without it!.
• Headline: Variety Prevails in Concert Choices. Impact: The variety of concerts led to a cultural renaissance where everyone suddenly believed they were music critics, whether they actually knew anything or not. Fact: Concerts: the only place where you can scream at strangers about music with the confidence of a PhD in Sound Studies!.