APRIL 18, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: Powell Addresses C.I.A. Chemical Weapons Claims. Impact: Had Powell actually received a heads-up from the CIA, we might have seen an entirely different Gulf War, potentially leading to an alternative universe where military strategists are revered like rock stars and the CIA is known for its punctuality.. Fact: Did you know that when the CIA isn't busy with covert ops, they enjoy long walks on the beach and sending cryptic messages just to keep things interesting?.
• Headline: Glen Rock Revaluation Controversy. Impact: This revaluation fiasco could have led to an alternate timeline where property taxes are a joyful topic at dinner parties, causing mass confusion and perhaps even the extinction of small talk.. Fact: Did you know that appealing a property tax assessment can be just as thrilling as watching paint dry? Grab the popcorn!.
• Headline: 'Up' and 'Down' in the Universe Explained. Impact: If this theory about 'up' and 'down' gains traction, we might eventually end up in a universe where people argue about the direction of gravity as passionately as they do about the direction of toilet paper.. Fact: Did you know that if the universe really does have an 'up' and 'down,' it means we’ve been wrong all along about our GPS directions? Thanks for nothing, physicists!.
• Headline: Draft Guessing Game: Who Will Have Impact?. Impact: Had any of these college football draftees actually made an impact, we might have seen a reality show where they try to balance their studies with their newfound fame, leading to a new genre of 'Academic Athletes Gone Wild'.. Fact: Did you know that predicting which college athlete will succeed in the pros is about as reliable as asking a Magic 8-Ball? 'Ask again later' is always an option!.
• Headline: Vanbiesbrouck Looks Unbeatable. Impact: If Vanbiesbrouck had been seen as unbeatable, we might have spiraled into a world where hockey goalies are treated like demigods, complete with fan shrines and weekly offerings of pucks.. Fact: Did you know that the secret to being an unbeatable goalie is simply never letting the puck get past you? Revolutionary, I know!.
• Headline: A Mostly Friendly Conference Looks at the Bush Presidency. Impact: Had the conference on Bush’s presidency been a total flop, we might have seen a resurgence of interest in presidential history, leading to an unexpected boom in 'Presidential Comeback Tours.'. Fact: Did you know that discussing the Bush presidency is like opening a can of worms? Only these worms are armed with opinions and ready to debate until sundown..
• Headline: Nicklaus, Arthritis and All, Sticks Around on 71. Impact: If Nicklaus had given up due to arthritis, we might have seen the rise of golf as a spectator sport akin to knitting contests, complete with commentary about the best grip techniques.. Fact: Did you know that Jack Nicklaus playing through pain is basically the sports equivalent of your grandma insisting on finishing that apple pie before dinner? Commitment at its finest!.
• Headline: Treasuries Are Higher as Concern About Inflation Eases. Impact: If inflation fears had completely vanished, the stock market might have turned into a whimsical land where everyone invests in bubble wrap and plush toys instead of serious assets.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing rising faster than Treasury prices is the number of times people say, 'It’s just a phase' when talking about inflation?.
• Headline: Love Blooms Amid the Grit. Impact: If the film 'To Have (or Not)' had exploded in popularity, we might have entered a golden age of romantic dramas that focus on existential crises, leading to a societal obsession with sad love stories.. Fact: Did you know that film critiques are just like relationship advice? Everyone has their own opinion, and most of them are utterly unqualified!.