APRIL 11, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tiger Woods' Bold Masters Debut. Impact: If Dave Anderson hadn't commented on Tiger Woods, he might have just become a regular golfer instead of a legend. Who knows? Maybe golf would have turned into a frisbee tournament and saved us from endless commercials about overpriced golf clubs. Fact: Tiger Woods once said he was 'tight' because he cared, but let's be honest, he mostly cared about winning and the checks that came with it.
• Headline: Critique of Woods Infomercial by Sandomir. Impact: If CBS hadn’t aired that crass infomercial, Tiger Woods might have avoided some of the controversy. But then again, without controversy, we wouldn't have the tabloid headlines that keep the world entertained. Fact: Infomercials about athletes are like diet plans that promise results without effort—everyone knows they’re nonsense, but we still tune in for the train wreck.
• Headline: 2 Standards About Words On Farrakhan. Impact: The backlash from Ruth Messinger's comments about Farrakhan may have inadvertently paved the way for countless discussions about freedom of speech. It’s like opening Pandora’s box, but with more shouting. Fact: In the world of political commentary, being a critic means you can say anything as long as you have an audience that's willing to listen—who says standards matter?.
• Headline: Glaxo Shares Climb On News of Drug Trials. Impact: Glaxo’s drug trial success could have led to a world where miraculous cures are just a pill away. Or, more likely, we’d all be overmedicated and debating the side effects on social media. Fact: Analysts predicted $486 million in sales, but let's face it, if Glaxo had announced the cure for boredom, they would have made a trillion.
• Headline: Prices Steady To Lower on Treasuries. Impact: The slight dip in Treasury prices could have set off a chain reaction of economic panic or, you know, just another day in the life of investors pretending to be shocked. Fact: Treasuries are the government’s way of saying, 'Trust us with your money, we promise we won’t spend it on anything fun!'.
• Headline: JUDGE VOIDS LAW GIVING PRESIDENT LINE-ITEM VETOES. Impact: By voiding the line-item veto law, the judge may have ensured that the President would stay on their toes, forcing them to actually read bills instead of just signing them like a celebrity with a stack of fan mail. Fact: Politicians love to complain about red tape, but when it comes to vetoes, they’d rather have a buffet of choices to ignore than a single item to debate.
• Headline: Tuition at Rowan to Rise. Impact: The tuition hike at Rowan University likely led to a surge in ramen noodle sales and student loan debt, proving that higher education comes with a side of financial despair. Fact: Rowan University may have upgraded from college to university, but clearly, they didn’t upgrade their pricing strategy!.
• Headline: Stock Investor Enthusiasm Seen Ebbing. Impact: The drop in stock fund inflows could have led to a global crisis of confidence, or at least a lot of investors sighing deeply into their overpriced lattes as they pondered their life choices. Fact: Investors can be fickle; one day they're all in, the next they're like a cat with a laser pointer—easily distracted and not really sure what they want.
• Headline: Proud but Cornered, Mobutu Can Only Hope. Impact: Mobutu's political crisis in Zaire may have set off a series of events that transformed the country's leadership landscape for decades, ultimately leading to the rise of new powers and possibly the world's longest game of political musical chairs. Fact: Mobutu Sese Seko was so entrenched in power that it took a literal uprising for him to realize it was time to find a new hobby—like knitting or birdwatching.