MARCH 24, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: Corruption Along the Mexico-US Border. Impact: If only the drug lords knew that their payoffs would lead to the creation of a 'How to Bribe 101' course at law schools. Future lawyers everywhere are thanking them for the easy A!. Fact: Did you know that the U.S. and Mexico share a border of 2,012 miles? That's a lot of room for both tacos and trouble..
• Headline: Teacher Pact Exempts Lunchroom Duties. Impact: The exemption from lunchroom duty may have inadvertently sparked the rise of gourmet food trucks outside schools. Thanks, teachers, for making lunchtime more delicious!. Fact: Did you know that teachers have to negotiate for everything, even lunch breaks? Because clearly, the education system is just a giant cafeteria fight waiting to happen..
• Headline: Israel Demands Palestinian Action on Violence. Impact: This demand may have sparked a bizarre trend of ‘demanding’ things in everyday life, like your neighbor demanding you mow your lawn, leading to a neighborhood revolution.. Fact: Did you know that sometimes a demand can lead to more demands? It’s like a snowball effect, but with more paperwork and fewer snowmen..
• Headline: 4 Qualify for Mayor's Race. Impact: The four candidates qualified, but the real story? A secret underground betting pool on who would accidentally trip on stage during speeches!. Fact: Did you know that running for mayor is like dating? Everyone’s looking for the best candidate, but most just end up with awkward stories about their ex..
• Headline: Officer Kills Murder Suspect. Impact: This incident might have inspired future police officers to invest in personal training, leading to a nationwide fitness craze among law enforcement. Crime fighting and crunches!. Fact: Did you know that police work can be as dangerous as a game of dodgeball? One wrong throw, and you could be the next headline..
• Headline: Gore Team Confident He's Bouncing Back After Missteps. Impact: Gore’s comeback could have led to the invention of the 'political apology tour.' Now everyone knows that a heartfelt 'sorry' can be the ticket to political redemption!. Fact: Did you know that the worst moment in a Vice Presidency can also be the best moment for a future sitcom? Cue the laughter track!.
• Headline: New Philanthropy Magazine Seeks Profit From Nonprofits. Impact: This magazine might have started the trend of 'social media influencers' in philanthropy. Because who doesn't want to look good while doing good, right?. Fact: Did you know that even nonprofits can be profit-driven? It’s like a bake sale where all the cookies are gluten-free and overpriced!.
• Headline: In a Colorado Valley, Hispanic Farmers Try to Stop a Timber Baron. Impact: This dispute over timber could lead to a new genre of reality TV: 'Farmers vs. Tycoons.' Stay tuned for dramatic confrontations over irrigation systems!. Fact: Did you know that timber barons are just like regular barons, but with a lumberjack twist? ‘Hark, I demand more trees!’.
• Headline: Rabbi Group Is Preparing To Denounce Non-Orthodox. Impact: This denouncement might have sparked an underground movement of 'Reform and Conservative' rave parties. Who knew religious debates could turn into dance-offs?. Fact: Did you know that in some circles, being non-Orthodox is like wearing last season's fashion? Just not cool enough for the holy crowd..
• Headline: Day Care Center Fills as Working and Welfare Parents Compete. Impact: This competition might have unwittingly led to the rise of co-working spaces for parents. Because nothing says 'I love my child' like sharing a desk with a toddler!. Fact: Did you know that day care centers are like the Hunger Games for parents? May the odds be ever in your nap time's favor!.