MARCH 20, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: Finale of Spring Nationals Bridge Tournament. Impact: The increased interest in bridge tournaments led to a secret society of bridge enthusiasts who now control the fate of world leaders, using the game as a means to settle international disputes. 'Let's just play a hand instead of going to war,' they say.. Fact: Bridge is actually the only card game that requires you to have a degree in mathematics and an understanding of advanced psychology to win. Good luck with that!.
• Headline: As Rents Move Up, Roommates Move In. Impact: The roommate trend spurred a new subculture of midlife crisis roommates, complete with themed movie nights and joint therapy sessions. This eventually led to popular reality shows where they compete for the best mac and cheese recipe.. Fact: Taking in a roommate is the adult version of adopting a pet. Only instead of a cute little dog, you get someone who hogs the couch and leaves dirty dishes everywhere..
• Headline: Amusement Park on Mountaintop. Impact: The opening of an amusement park on a mountaintop led to an influx of thrill-seekers who thought they could conquer nature, only to realize that roller coasters aren't as forgiving as they look. Casualties included egos and lunch.. Fact: Amusement parks are basically adult playgrounds, only with more safety regulations and fewer opportunities to climb trees..
• Headline: Jacques Foccart Dies at 83; Secret Mastermind in Africa. Impact: Foccart's death created a power vacuum in clandestine operations, leading to a rise in amateur political conspiracy theorists who believe they can outsmart seasoned operatives by simply Googling 'how to stage a coup.'. Fact: Jacques Foccart was so influential that his death led to a series of 'What if?' documentaries where historians debated whether he could have run for office if he had just played nice..
• Headline: Price Report Sets Off Fall In Treasuries. Impact: The decline in bond prices triggered a domino effect, leading to a global financial crisis where everyone suddenly realized they had no idea what inflation actually meant and resorted to trading their old board games as currency.. Fact: Bond prices are like the stock market's moody teenager, always fluctuating and leaving everyone guessing what they really want..
• Headline: No Favorites . . . Just Equal Treatment. Impact: The NCAA matchups sparked a nationwide betting frenzy, which eventually led to the creation of a new board game called 'March Madness Monopoly,' where you can lose everything in a single dice roll.. Fact: The NCAA tournament is the only time of year when it's socially acceptable to scream at your TV over college students playing sports. Wouldn't want to do that any other time, right?.
• Headline: Sex Bill Aims at Prevention. Impact: Senator Cafiero's bill ignited a national conversation about sexual health, leading to a wave of awkward family dinners where parents had to explain what 'sexually transmitted diseases' are without using euphemisms.. Fact: In a shocking twist, the more people tried to avoid discussing STDs, the more they realized that ignorance really isn't bliss. Surprise!.