MARCH 13, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: French Furniture Revolutionizes American Design. Impact: The shift towards French 18th-century furniture in American homes inadvertently led to an entire generation of people who are now completely confused about how to pronounce 'Louis'. Who knew that a little ornate chair could turn you into a pretentious art critic?. Fact: Fun fact: This obsession with French furniture might have resulted in more people trying to convince their friends that they understood the difference between 'rococo' and 'baroque'. Spoiler alert: They don’t.
• Headline: L.I.U. Faces Villanova in NCAA Showdown. Impact: Long Island University's decision to face Villanova in the NCAA tournament sparked a series of underdog stories that led to the rise of countless sports movies and motivational memes. Thank you, L.I.U., for inspiring the next generation of 'never give up' speeches!. Fact: Did you know that every time an underdog wins, an angel gets its wings? Or is that just a Hallmark card slogan?.
• Headline: U.S. Agency Secretly Monitored Chinese in '96 on Political Gifts. Impact: This secret monitoring led to a paranoid era of politicians checking under their beds for Chinese spies. It's fascinating how this little whisper of surveillance turned into a full-blown Cold War sequel that no one asked for. Fact: Fun fact: The NSA's motto is probably something along the lines of 'We’re listening… and you should be scared.'.
• Headline: Perils of Free Air Time. Impact: Clinton's request might have inadvertently led to the concept of 'free air time' becoming an integral part of political campaigns, where candidates began to believe they were rock stars on a world tour instead of public servants. The next thing you know, they’ll be signing autographs at rallies. Fact: Did you know that asking broadcasters for free air time is the equivalent of asking your friend to cover your bar tab while you order the most expensive drink? Spoiler: It never ends well.
• Headline: But This Time, Developers Are Keeping Things Simple. Impact: By keeping things simple, developers might have unwittingly set a trend that led to the rise of minimalist living spaces. Which means future generations will be trying to figure out how to live in a shoebox while paying rent like it's a penthouse. Fact: Did you know that this overbuilding trend in the '80s was so bad that it could have been a plot in a dystopian novel? 'Survivors of the Concrete Jungle' anyone?.
• Headline: A museum markets endangered species to a mass audience. Impact: This exhibition on endangered species led to a sudden spike in people becoming wildlife activists, which then transformed into a culture of 'Instagram activists' feeling good about their likes while sipping their lattes. Thanks, museum!. Fact: Did you know that the American Museum of Natural History is actually just a giant 'please care about the planet' billboard? Because who doesn't love a good guilt trip while looking at taxidermy?.
• Headline: Peruvian Hostage Talks Resume, Then Collapse. Impact: The collapse of these hostage talks in Peru became a grim reminder of how political negotiations can go sideways, resulting in many future diplomats now carrying emotional support stuffed animals to their meetings. Fact: Did you know that hostage negotiations are basically the adult version of a schoolyard fight? Someone ends up upset, and no one really wins.
• Headline: For Bar Mitzvahs, A Revival of Spirit. Impact: The revival of spiritual Bar Mitzvahs means that future generations will struggle to explain why their parents made them sit through a two-hour service instead of just throwing a massive party. Thanks, parents, for the emotional baggage!. Fact: Did you know that the word 'mitzvah' literally means 'commandment'? So, when your parents throw a simple celebration, they’re basically just saying, 'We command you to be less extravagant!'.