MARCH 10, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: Investigation Urged Following Meningitis Cases. Impact: The push for meningitis studies led to a nationwide panic about diseases, resulting in every parent turning into a germaphobe, which ultimately caused the rise of hand sanitizer companies that now dominate the market. Thanks, meningitis!. Fact: Did you know that the first known case of meningitis was documented in 1805? Back then, they thought it was just a really bad hangover..
• Headline: End to Price Controls on Tickets. Impact: This bill, if passed, set off a chain reaction leading to ticket prices soaring to astronomical heights, causing concert-goers to consider selling their organs for a chance to see their favorite bands. All hail capitalism!. Fact: Did you know that a ticket for the first Super Bowl in 1967 cost just $12? I guess it was cheaper to enjoy the game back when the players were just as likely to be wearing leather helmets..
• Headline: Strengthening Health-Care Rights in New Jersey. Impact: The new healthcare regulations sparked a bizarre competition among states to see who could come up with the most convoluted healthcare laws, eventually resulting in a reality show called 'America's Next Top Health Care Policy.'. Fact: Did you know that the term 'health maintenance organization' was coined in the 1970s? Clearly, they were ahead of their time in pushing the idea that health could be maintained without actual care..
• Headline: Now a Nice Guy And Oprah Antidote. Impact: Howard Stern's softening image led to a series of bizarre cultural shifts, including the rise of 'nice guy' radio hosts everywhere, culminating in a national day of kindness that no one asked for.. Fact: Did you know that Howard Stern once held the record for the highest number of FCC fines? Guess being nice was just a phase!.
• Headline: A Midweek Opening Pattern in Urban Black Films. Impact: The decision to open black films on Wednesdays inadvertently led to a new trend of 'Hump Day' parties, where people gather to celebrate the midweek release of culturally significant films. Because, who doesn't want to party on a Wednesday?. Fact: Did you know that the first black film to break box office records was 'Sweetback's Baadasssss Song' in 1971? Maybe they should've just stuck with Wednesdays from the start!.
• Headline: Neglected Churches Are Given New Use In the Netherlands. Impact: Transforming neglected churches into community spaces caused a spiritual renaissance, where hipsters began to take over once-sacred spaces, leading to a bizarre blend of spirituality and artisanal coffee.. Fact: Did you know that the Netherlands has more bicycles than people? Apparently, they prioritize pedaling over praying!.
• Headline: Campaign Finance Complicates China Policy. Impact: The campaign finance scandal led to a series of conspiracy theories about secret Chinese agents infiltrating U.S. politics, resulting in a slew of poorly made action films that tried to cash in on the paranoia.. Fact: Did you know that campaign finance laws date back to the 1970s? Funny how money always seems to find its way into politics, isn’t it?.
• Headline: At Literary Evenings, the Product Isn't Necessarily Books. Impact: The rise of scotch and literary events created a new elite class of bookworms who can't actually read, but can definitely sip expensive whiskey while pretending to know what Hemingway wrote. Cheers to faux intellectualism!. Fact: Did you know that literary events used to be just about books? Now they’re more about the drinks than the words, because who needs substance when you have style?.