FEBRUARY 28, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: New Video Releases: The Hunchback Review. Impact: The release of 'The Hunchback of Notre Dame' on video led to an unprecedented surge in sales of gargoyles and oversized bells, forever altering the architectural landscape of neighborhood churches across America.. Fact: Did you know that the original novel by Victor Hugo was so dark that it caused a spike in sales of self-help books? Talk about a plot twist!.
• Headline: Paribas Profits Surge in 1996 Recovery. Impact: Paribas's return to profitability sparked a series of unfortunate financial decisions that led to the creation of a new genre of reality TV focused on bad investment advice.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more volatile than Paribas's profits is your uncle's opinions on cryptocurrency!.
• Headline: Democratic Math at a Coffee: 10 Texans and $500,000 Goal. Impact: This coffee meeting not only raised funds for the Clinton-Gore campaign but also inspired future political fundraisers to serve overpriced lattes, effectively ruining coffee shops everywhere.. Fact: Did you know that 'politics' is derived from 'poly,' meaning many, and 'ticks,' meaning blood-sucking parasites? Coincidence? I think not!.
• Headline: Road Relocation Opposed. Impact: The road relocation opposition turned Carlstadt into a hotbed of grassroots activism, ultimately leading to the invention of the 'Protest Sign' as a fashion statement in urban areas.. Fact: Did you know that 'Meadowlands' was originally named because it was a peaceful place before humans decided to build things? Irony, thy name is development..
• Headline: Radon Testing Bill Passed. Impact: The radon testing bill sparked a nationwide movement for safer air, leading to the invention of scented candles that claim to 'eliminate' radon—because nothing says safety like a lavender-scented lie.. Fact: Did you know that radon is the second leading cause of lung cancer? Just when you thought your house was a safe space!.
• Headline: Electric-Powered Car Is on Drawing Board. Impact: Chrysler's electric-powered car prototype led to a bizarre chain reaction in the automotive industry, eventually resulting in the creation of cars that could talk back to you—because who doesn't want a sassy car?. Fact: Did you know that the first electric car was invented in the 1830s? It took us over a century to remember that we could plug things in..
• Headline: Bridgestone's Profits Rose Nearly 30% in '96. Impact: Bridgestone's profit increase led to a 'tire inflation' epidemic, causing people to take their cars to the gym to shed those extra pounds—of rubber, that is.. Fact: Did you know that if all the tires Bridgestone produced in 1996 were stacked, they would reach the moon? Just kidding, but that would be one heck of a road trip!.
• Headline: Tattooing May Be Regulated. Impact: The tattoo regulation bill led to an explosion of DIY tattoo kits, resulting in some truly regrettable ink choices that future generations will have to endure on their family ancestry charts.. Fact: Did you know that getting a tattoo can be a great way to show your commitment to poor life choices? Just ask anyone with a 'tramp stamp'!.