JANUARY 29, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: Cavaliers Crush Nets in Historic Defeat. Impact: After this dismal performance, the Nets decided to switch to a new strategy: 'How low can we go before we invent a time machine to escape our current roster?' This led to a series of events where they inadvertently inspired a generation of players to aim for mediocrity.. Fact: Did you know that scoring only 62 points in a game is still better than trying to watch paint dry? That’s right, Nets fans!.
• Headline: Netscape's Financial Milestone in 1996. Impact: Netscape's unexpected income jump set off a chain reaction that led to the dot-com bubble, which ultimately burst, raining financial chaos across the tech world. Thanks, Netscape! You really knew how to make a splash... or a pop.. Fact: Did you know that Netscape was so popular, it was like the Justin Bieber of the internet? Except instead of teenage girls, it attracted a lot of early 90s tech nerds..
• Headline: Historic College Basketball Debut at the Garden. Impact: The long-awaited debut prompted a flurry of excitement, leading to a nationwide trend of 'waiting 43 years for things' – resulting in a multitude of people camping out for the release of every mediocre film ever since.. Fact: Did you know that patience is a virtue? Apparently, so is waiting decades for college basketball to finally get exciting enough for a headline!.
• Headline: Coleman Has Returned And Is Ready to Play. Impact: Coleman's return sparked a renewed interest in the Philadelphia 76ers, leading to a series of bizarre superstitions where fans believed that activating players could single-handedly change the fate of the franchise.. Fact: Did you know that Derrick Coleman once scored 19 points in a single game? That’s like a high schooler scoring in a game of dodgeball!.
• Headline: New Latin Faces in a Corner of Queens That Once Seemed More Like Havana. Impact: The transformation of Queens marked the beginning of a cultural renaissance, leading to the invention of the hipster taco truck and an explosion of artisanal everything. Thanks, Corona, for making hipsters feel like they discovered something new!. Fact: Did you know that before the influx of new cultures, Corona was known for its... well, not much? The change was so drastic, even the pigeons had to adapt!.
• Headline: Report Finds F.B.I. Lab Slipping From Pinnacle of Crime Fighting. Impact: The FBI lab's decline in reputation led to a series of unfortunate events, including the rise of conspiracy theories about whether they were actually using rubber stamps instead of high-tech forensics. Spoiler alert: they were not.. Fact: Did you know that the FBI lab once had the reputation of being the 'CSI' of the 90s? Turns out, they were more like the 'CSI: The Budget Cuts Edition.'.
• Headline: Torre's Extension in Works. Impact: Torre's imminent contract extension signaled the start of a dynasty that led to more championships and more years of Steinbrenner yelling at the TV. Coincidentally, this also resulted in a nationwide increase in sports bar attendance.. Fact: Did you know that George Steinbrenner once tried to buy the moon? Just kidding, but with his spending habits, it wouldn’t have surprised anyone!.
• Headline: Stanford's Star Guard Still Pinching Himself. Impact: Brevin Knight's success at Stanford inspired countless underdogs to believe they, too, could make it big – which ultimately led to the dramatic rise of the 'average Joe' in sports, even if they were just playing pickup games.. Fact: Did you know that Brevin Knight’s biggest achievement was making it onto the court? Because you know, sometimes just showing up is the real victory!.
• Headline: Disney to Sell Publications Inherited With Capital Cities. Impact: Disney's decision to sell off publications led to a massive influx of independent media, paving the way for bloggers to claim they were journalists just because they had a WiFi connection and an opinion. Thanks, Disney!. Fact: Did you know that Disney's move to sell off these publications was so shocking that even Mickey Mouse considered starting a blog? Talk about a career change!.