JANUARY 21, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: Banc One Expands Credit Card Operations. Impact: Banc One's credit card empire leads to a world where every impulse buy is just a swipe away. Thanks to this merger, the average American will now have an entire credit card dedicated to buying avocado toast. The economy booms, but the avocado industry crashes under the weight of demand.. Fact: Did you know that the first credit card was made out of cardboard? Sometimes, I think it was more reliable than the ones we have today!.
• Headline: Federal Reserve's 1997 Monetary Policy Meeting. Impact: The Fed's cautious stance becomes the gold standard for indecision, shaping monetary policy discussions for decades. It’s like that friend who never wants to choose a restaurant—endless debates ensue while the economy just wants to eat.. Fact: Did you know that the Federal Reserve is often called 'the Fed'? It’s like a secret club where everyone debates the future of money but can’t agree on a snack..
• Headline: For Pianist of 'Shine,' A Life Depicted Turns Into a Life Transformed. Impact: Helfgott's inspiring story encourages a generation of artists to embrace their quirks. This leads to a dramatic rise in unconventional musicians who can’t play a single note but have great Instagram followings.. Fact: Did you know that 'Shine' was based on a true story? But in reality, David Helfgott’s struggles weren't nearly as dramatic as my struggles to find matching socks..
• Headline: CLINTON, SWORN IN FOR 2D TERM, ASSAILS 'BICKERING AND EXTREME PARTISANSHIP'. Impact: Clinton’s call for unity creates an unexpected surge in knitting clubs across the nation, where partisanship is replaced with purling. The resulting warmth from all those sweaters ironically leads to a fashion trend that no one asked for.. Fact: Did you know that Bill Clinton is known for his saxophone skills? It’s like he was trying to charm us all while playing the blues of bipartisanship..
• Headline: Of Inaugurals And Brushes With History. Impact: Clyde Haberman’s column sends a ripple through history where every inauguration is scrutinized with the same fervor as a royal wedding. This leads to historians arguing whether the best part of an inauguration is the speeches or the snacks.. Fact: Did you know that some presidential inaugurations have been so poorly planned that they made the Titanic’s voyage look well organized? Talk about a sinking feeling!.
• Headline: And Now, an Emblem To Show It's Broadway. Impact: The Broadway logo leads to a surge in theatrical productions that make absolutely no sense, but are just glittery enough to sell out. This results in a future where all plays are just a series of dance numbers with no plot whatsoever.. Fact: Did you know that Broadway once had a show about a man who only spoke in Shakespearean quotes? It was a hit until people realized they didn’t understand a single word..
• Headline: Six Weeks to Plan and Cook and 20 Minutes to Eat. Impact: The inauguration luncheon's 45-minute serving time leads to a new standard in political efficiency. Future presidents will be judged not on their policies but on how quickly they can serve lunch—bringing new meaning to fast food politics.. Fact: Did you know that the average American takes longer to decide on a Netflix movie than it takes politicians to eat at their own events? Priorities, people!.
• Headline: Elegance Meets Energy at the Inaugural Balls. Impact: The inaugural balls create a tradition of over-the-top celebrations that eventually leads to a global, year-long party culture. Thus, the world enters an era where every Tuesday is treated like New Year’s Eve.. Fact: Did you know that over 70,000 people attended the inaugural balls? That’s more people than I’ve seen at my last five family reunions combined!.
• Headline: Pack's Denver Showdown Ends in Injury. Impact: The Denver Nuggets' victory inspires a new trend in basketball where injuries become a badge of honor, leading to a new generation of players who prioritize dramatic falls over actual skill.. Fact: Did you know that basketball players spend more time perfecting their fall than their jump shots? Maybe they should just add a stuntman for the dramatic flair..