JANUARY 18, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: Investigation of Speaker Newt Gingrich. Impact: Newt Gingrich's ethics report sparked a series of events culminating in a reality show called 'House of Ethics', where politicians compete to see who can break the most rules without getting caught. Spoiler alert: Gingrich wins.. Fact: The phrase 'knew or should have known' has since been added to the official lexicon of politicians, right next to 'I did not have that kind of relationship with my constituents.'.
• Headline: Gingrich Ethics Hearing Highlights. Impact: The opening remarks of the Gingrich case inadvertently inspired a new form of performance art called 'Political Theater,' which involves legislators dramatically reading their own ethics violations aloud while wearing theatrical masks.. Fact: Notably, no one has ever taken a single ethics class before becoming a politician; it’s part of the job description—'Ignorance is Bliss 101.'.
• Headline: Charlie Brown Is Fined. Impact: Charlie Brown's fine for Dennis Rodman's antics set off a chain reaction of bizarre NBA suspensions, leading to the formation of a secret society of players who believe they can kick their way to fame and fortune.. Fact: Dennis Rodman once claimed he was just practicing for a role in an upcoming action movie titled 'Kicking It with the Stars.' Spoiler: it never got made..
• Headline: Sabretech Shuts Down Airline Repair Shop. Impact: Sabretech's shutdown led to the rise of underground airline repair shops run by rogue mechanics, creating a black market for airplane parts with a motto: 'If it flies, it’s fine!'. Fact: Ironically, the FAA's abbreviation stands for 'Flying Actually Awful,' which is exactly what you want to hear when boarding a plane..
• Headline: With Ballots Still Warm, Clinton Pays Homage to Dole. Impact: President Clinton's homage to Bob Dole led to an unexpected bipartisan dinner party trend, where politicians across the aisle would awkwardly exchange medals while arguing over who had the better salad dressing.. Fact: The Medal of Freedom was originally designed to be a participation trophy, but someone accidentally made it shiny, and now it’s all serious and stuff..
• Headline: Rodman's Kick Is Costly: 11 Games and $1 Million. Impact: Rodman's hefty fine and suspension caused a ripple effect, leading to the establishment of a 'Kicking Credibility Fund' for other athletes who felt the need to express themselves feet-first.. Fact: The NBA now has a hidden clause that allows players to kick one cameraman per season without any financial repercussions. It's called the 'Rodman Rule.'.
• Headline: Mexican Embassy Shielded Salvadoran Gunman, Officials Say. Impact: The revelation about the Mexican Embassy's sheltering of a gunman led to a spike in diplomatic negotiations that were more like a game of hide and seek than actual diplomacy. Who knew embassies could be such fun?. Fact: Rumor has it that the actual gunman was just looking for a place to warm up and grab a taco. No one ever expects the taco inquisition..