JANUARY 17, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: Brewers Secure Bob Wickman Signing. Impact: If Bob Wickman hadn't been signed, the Brewers might have lost a crucial game, leading to a butterfly effect where a fan's disappointment turned them into a cat person instead of a die-hard baseball fan. The cat's name? Bob, naturally.. Fact: Bob Wickman once threw a pitch so fast, it broke the speed of light. Just kidding, he was really just a solid reliever..
• Headline: Scotty Bowman Fined for Controversial Remarks. Impact: Scotty Bowman's fine for calling out the refs sparked a movement among coaches to start a 'complain about the refs' fund, eventually leading to a world where every coach has a personal referee to gripe to. Welcome to the future of sports!. Fact: Bowman’s comments led to a 10% increase in the sale of anti-Russian referee jerseys. Because why not?.
• Headline: Medicaid Costs Are Seen Rising At Slower Rate. Impact: Had Medicaid costs risen sharply, it could have led to a nationwide debate about whether pizza should be considered a vegetable in school lunches. Spoiler: It was already a thing.. Fact: The only thing slower than the rise of Medicaid costs? The Congressional Budget Office's speed in understanding the American healthcare system..
• Headline: Study Questions Top Theory on Cause of Mad Cow Disease. Impact: The questioning of mad cow disease's cause sparked a worldwide frenzy of 'mad cow' themed parties, where everyone dressed as cows and danced. The backlash from actual cows was fierce.. Fact: Mad cow disease was once thought to be caused by cows going to rave parties. Turns out, it was just a bad batch of feed..
• Headline: Houston Has Page From Starks's Playbook. Impact: If Allan Houston had not adopted Starks' aggressiveness, the Knicks might have opted for a more peaceful approach—like knitting on the court instead of playing basketball. Who knew the NBA needed therapy?. Fact: Allan Houston took 'playing aggressively' to mean wearing a helmet on the court. It didn’t catch on..
• Headline: COUNSEL REPORTED TO ASK STIFF FINE IN GINGRICH CASE. Impact: If Gingrich had been acquitted, it might have inspired future politicians to think ethics were optional, leading to a world where political debates were conducted through interpretive dance. Spoiler: It was terrible.. Fact: Newt Gingrich once claimed he could win a debate against a houseplant. The houseplant never showed, possibly out of ethical concerns..
• Headline: High-Rise Dwellers Feel the Reach of a Strike by Elevator Workers. Impact: The elevator workers' strike led to a spike in people taking the stairs, which inadvertently started a fitness revolution. Fitness influencers now credit this event as the origin of their 'climb every mountain' slogan.. Fact: During the strike, some high-rise dwellers took to living on the roof, claiming it was 'the new penthouse.' They were wrong..