JANUARY 16, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: Columbia/HCA Acquires Value Health Inc.. Impact: This $1.3 billion merger leads to the eventual creation of a health care provider that only accepts payments in Monopoly money. As a result, the entire economy crashes, and healthcare becomes a game of chance. Fact: Columbia/HCA was so big it could literally swallow Value Health whole. In fact, they were just one lucrative acquisition away from becoming a healthcare black hole.
• Headline: Slaney in Millrose Mile. Impact: Mary Decker Slaney's participation in the Millrose Mile sparks a national obsession with running, which leads to the Great Running Boom of the 90s, where everyone suddenly decides they need to outrun their problems. Spoiler: They don’t. Fact: Slaney's running prowess was so legendary that even cheetahs were starting to feel insecure about their speed. It’s a tough world for a big cat.
• Headline: Messinger Tries to Define Herself Before Giuliani Does It for Her. Impact: As Ruth W. Messinger tries to define herself, she inadvertently inspires a generation of politicians to take branding lessons from Instagram influencers, forever changing the landscape of political campaigning. Fact: Ruth Messinger's campaign was so well-informed that if knowledge were currency, she'd be a billionaire while her opponents would be stuck with Monopoly money.
• Headline: Judge Rejects Giuliani's Sale of City Hospitals, Citing State Law. Impact: Giuliani’s failed attempt to sell city hospitals leads to a chain reaction where health care becomes a hot potato, and eventually, hospitals start appearing in pop-up shops next to artisanal coffee stands. Fact: Giuliani tried so hard to sell those hospitals that I half expected him to set up a lemonade stand out front. 'Get your hospital here, folks!'.
• Headline: Sex Abuse Jolts Canada's Revered Pastime: Hockey. Impact: The disclosure of abuse in hockey changes the culture of Canadian sports forever, leading to a wave of new regulations that eventually cause the great Canadian winter to become a year-round summer - because who wants to play hockey when you can sip maple syrup on a beach?. Fact: Hockey is Canada’s beloved pastime; it’s like their version of apple pie, except with more ice and way more fighting.
• Headline: Foes of Affirmative Action Form a National Group. Impact: The formation of the American Civil Rights Institute leads to a nationwide debate that eventually causes everyone to realize that arguing about preferences is about as productive as a cat trying to play fetch. Fact: Opponents of affirmative action sure know how to make headlines, but they might want to consider a career in circus performances. They’re great at juggling arguments!.
• Headline: F.A.A. TO REQUIRE REPAIR OF RUDDERS. Impact: The FAA’s requirement for rudder repairs leads to a future where all airlines must employ yoga instructors to ensure smooth flights, resulting in a dramatic increase in peace and tranquility at 30,000 feet. Namaste. Fact: If only the FAA had known that a little yoga could fix airline issues, they could have saved us all from countless turbulence-induced panic attacks!.