JANUARY 15, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: Extreme Fighting Legalized in New York. Impact: The legalization of extreme fighting in New York led to a global spike in absurd reality television shows where people fight over ridiculous themes, like who can stay in a haunted house the longest. Thank you, gladiators, for turning our living rooms into arenas!. Fact: In ancient Rome, gladiators were often slaves or prisoners of war. Fast forward to today, and they’d probably just be influencers trying to sell you protein shakes..
• Headline: Understanding Key Financial Rates. Impact: The listing of key rates led to a surge in financial jargon that would be used to baffle average citizens for generations to come. Financial advisors everywhere rejoiced, knowing they could now charge clients by the hour to explain what a 'key rate' even is.. Fact: Key rates are just like your friend's excuses for skipping brunch: they change all the time and you never really understand them..
• Headline: Arnold Palmer's Health Challenge Surfaces. Impact: Arnold Palmer's battle with cancer inspired numerous golf charities and awareness programs, ultimately leading to the creation of golf-themed cancer research events. Who knew golf could be a force for good beyond just ruining weekends?. Fact: Arnold Palmer is so legendary that even in his absence, he’s still making people reconsider their choice of beverage with the iconic 'Arnold Palmer' drink—half iced tea, half lemonade, and 100% refreshing..
• Headline: Do Children Get Too Much Juice?. Impact: This study led to a nationwide panic about juice boxes, resulting in a juice box-free childhood for many kids who now rely on bland water. Future generations will forever thank their parents for the trauma of hydration.. Fact: In the 90s, juice was marketed as a health food, so children were basically drinking sugar water while their parents felt like nutritionists. Thanks, marketing!.
• Headline: F.B.I. Reduces Scope of Proposal on Wiretapping Phone Networks. Impact: This scaling back of wiretapping plans resulted in a decade of citizens thinking they were safe from surveillance, only to find out they were still being tracked by their phones. Thanks for the false sense of security, FBI!. Fact: In a world where everyone is being surveilled, the biggest irony is that you still can't get a reliable signal to make an actual phone call..
• Headline: Personal Health. Impact: The rise of glucosamine and chondroitin sulfate as popular supplements led to the creation of countless pet health products, because if it works for your arthritic dog, why not market it to every middle-aged human with a twinge?. Fact: The only thing more flexible than glucosamine's benefits is the number of claims supplement companies can make without any real evidence. It's the Wild West out there!.
• Headline: Yankees' Wells Breaks His Pitching Hand in Fight. Impact: This incident sparked a bizarre trend of players breaking their hands in fights, leading to the creation of a new statistic: 'fighting injuries per season.' Because why not make sports more dangerous?. Fact: David Wells might not be the only one breaking things—most fans broke their hearts over the Yankees' performance that season..
• Headline: After 3-Day Pursuit, Shuttle Docks With Russian Station. Impact: This docking event marked a pivotal moment in international space collaboration, leading to a future where astronauts from different nations swap space stories while floating in zero gravity. Talk about teamwork in a vacuum!. Fact: The only thing more complex than docking spacecraft is trying to explain to your parents what you actually do up there. Spoiler: It's not just floating around..