JANUARY 14, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: Dow Jones Surges Following Positive Start. Impact: The Dow's 5.39 point rise in 1996 led to a stock market bubble that burst in the early 2000s, which then inspired a generation of conspiracy theorists who believe the market is controlled by lizard people. So, thanks for that, Dow!. Fact: Did you know that the Dow Jones once finished up 5.39, which is less impressive than my ability to find a good parking spot?.
• Headline: Capriati's Heartbreaking Australian Open Exit. Impact: Capriati's defeat marked the beginning of a long emotional rollercoaster, ultimately leading her to a comeback that inspired 'Rocky' but with more tennis and fewer meat lockers. Just think, if she had won, the world might have been deprived of her comeback story!. Fact: Did you know that Jennifer Capriati's loss is possibly what inspired countless kids to take up tennis? Because, hey, if she can lose, so can they!.
• Headline: Pilon's Suspension Shakes Up Islanders. Impact: Pilon's suspension set a precedent that led to stricter penalties in hockey, eventually contributing to the NHL's evolution into a league where players are as likely to tweet apologies as they are to fight on the ice. Thanks, Rich!. Fact: Did you know that the only thing swinging harder than Pilon's stick was his reputation after this incident?.
• Headline: Global Climate Stayed Warm in 1996, With Wet, Cold Regional Surprises. Impact: The climate fluctuations noted in 1996 became an early warning sign that scientists would ignore for decades, leading to a world where people still argue about whether climate change is real while wearing winter coats in July.. Fact: Did you know that 1996 was the fifth-warmest year? And yet, I still can't find my summer clothes in this bizarre weather!.
• Headline: With Johnson Ailing, the Road Looks Rougher for the Knicks. Impact: Larry Johnson's injury woes contributed to the Knicks' long-standing reputation as the team that can't catch a break, which ultimately led to countless memes and jokes. So, thanks, Larry, for keeping the humor alive!. Fact: Did you know that the Knicks' injury reports have more twists and turns than a soap opera? And yet, we still watch!.
• Headline: Search Party Is Sought To Find a Commissioner. Impact: The search for a baseball commissioner after Bud Selig's interim reign became a symbol of how desperate baseball owners were to find someone to blame when their teams lose. Spoiler alert: it's always the players!. Fact: Did you know that finding a new baseball commissioner is like trying to find a needle in a haystack, except the haystack is filled with egos and bad contracts?.