JANUARY 10, 1997

Full News Archive

• Headline: Paribas Sells Credit du Nord Unit. Impact: Paribas selling its retail banking unit set off a chain reaction in the banking world, leading to a frenzy of mergers and acquisitions. Eventually, this resulted in the invention of the term 'Too Big To Fail,' which just sounds like bankers' version of 'I swear I can explain!'. Fact: Fun fact: After this sale, bankers were seen practicing yoga to relieve the stress of their corporate breakups..
• Headline: Valujet's Safety Issues Uncovered by FAA. Impact: The FAA's findings led to stricter safety regulations, which in turn inspired a series of action movies featuring heroic FAA inspectors. These films became cult classics, proving that nothing sells tickets like a good ol’ bureaucracy battle.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'Valujet' is just a fancy way of saying 'valley of bad decisions' in aviation terms?.
• Headline: Nazi Gold and Portugal's Murky Role. Impact: Portugal's admission of its role in Nazi dealings sent shockwaves through Europe, leading to a series of awkward family dinners where everyone suddenly became amateur historians and debated their ancestors' questionable choices over the last century.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing murkier than Portugal's financial history is the coffee they serve in Lisbon..
• Headline: Tuesday. An Apartment. Three Pounds From Mexico.. Impact: The Medical Marijuana Buyers' Club inspired entire generations of entrepreneurs to think outside the box—specifically, the box of legality. Consequently, you can now find 'medicinal' shops in every corner of the country, because who doesn't need a little 'pain relief'?. Fact: Did you know that 'medicinal purposes' is just code for 'I forgot to buy groceries' for many of the club members?.
• Headline: Gingrich Is Heard Urging Tactics in Ethics Case. Impact: Gingrich's tactics in this ethics case became a blueprint for politicians everywhere. It birthed an entire genre of political maneuvering that includes gaslighting, deflection, and the classic 'I didn't do it!' defense.. Fact: Did you know that 'Newt' is just short for 'Newt Gingrich, the amphibian of political ethics'?.
• Headline: Douglas Offers Opinions Along Comeback Trail. Impact: Douglas's comeback attempt inspired a whole generation of athletes to believe that retirement is just a suggestion. This led to overzealous attempts at comebacks across sports, culminating in the first-ever 'Comeback Olympics' where the only requirement was to have previously retired.. Fact: Did you know that James Douglas's idea of a 'comeback' was just him trying to find his lost boxing gloves?.
• Headline: French Show An Eagerness To Mend Ties With the U.S.. Impact: France's eagerness to mend ties with the U.S. triggered a series of diplomatic dinners that were more awkward than a high school reunion. This led to more international treaties being signed over cheese platters than actual negotiations.. Fact: Fun fact: The French call it diplomacy; Americans call it 'getting through dinner without talking politics.'.
• Headline: Marks & Spencer To Buy Shopping Center. Impact: Marks & Spencer's shopping center purchase sparked a retail renaissance that led to the rise of mega-malls. Soon, it became a rite of passage for teenagers to spend entire weekends wandering around in search of the perfect overpriced hoodie.. Fact: Did you know that Marks & Spencer's idea of 'expanding' is just putting more chocolate in their pastries?.
• Headline: Move Is Seen to Recall Diplomat in Fatal Crash. Impact: The diplomat's recall led to a series of international incidents where ambassadors began to treat traffic laws as mere suggestions. This resulted in a new global trend of 'road diplomacy' where ambassadors negotiate treaties while speeding through red lights.. Fact: Did you know that in diplomatic circles, 'drunken driving' is just a creative way of saying 'networking'?.