DECEMBER 20, 1996

Full News Archive

• Headline: Rising Trends in Teen Drug Use. Impact: As drug use among teenagers continues to rise, future generations will find themselves more adept at dodging their parents' questions about their whereabouts. This leads to the invention of the phrase 'It's just a phase,' which spirals into a 21st-century euphemism for anything and everything!. Fact: Did you know that teenagers have been using the age-old excuse of 'It's just a phase' for centuries? In ancient Rome, they blamed their wild behavior on the gods!.
• Headline: Rise of Real Estate Consultants in Development. Impact: As real estate agents become the go-to consultants for new apartment plans, it inadvertently triggers a housing market explosion, leading to the infamous '90s sitcom trope of friends living in impossibly large city apartments. Thanks for that, developers!. Fact: Did you know that the average real estate agent has the same number of opinions as they do listings? That's a lot of talk for a few square feet!.
• Headline: Significant Sports Transactions in History. Impact: Sports transactions pave the way for future billion-dollar contracts. This leads to the creation of a new sport: 'Contract Negotiation Olympics,' where agents compete for the best deals while wearing suits instead of spandex.. Fact: Did you know that sports transactions are often more dramatic than soap operas? Forget love triangles; we're talking about multi-million dollar trades!.
• Headline: Curriculum Standards Set. Impact: The New Jersey Legislature's effort to set curriculum standards sparks a nationwide educational reform movement, resulting in the infamous 'No Child Left Behind' act, which ironically leaves plenty of children behind due to over-testing.. Fact: Did you know that New Jersey has more diners per capita than any other state? Clearly, they need something to distract from the education quality debate!.
• Headline: Swissair Says a Loss For This Year Is Likely. Impact: Swissair's predicted losses lead to a series of unfortunate airline mergers, ultimately resulting in the creation of one airline that will forever be remembered for its inability to keep a schedule. Thanks a lot, Swissair!. Fact: Did you know that Swissair was once known as the 'Flying Bank' because of its high prices? Guess they weren't just banking on their reputation!.
• Headline: Philip Morris Wins Bidding in Portugal. Impact: Philip Morris's acquisition of Tabaqueira SA leads to an uptick in global smoking trends, which will later result in a series of health campaigns that people will only pretend to listen to while puffing away.. Fact: Did you know that smoking was once marketed as a way to improve your health? Talk about a plot twist worthy of a bad rom-com!.
• Headline: Komansky, an Old Retail Broker, Takes the World Stage. Impact: Komansky taking the stage at Merrill Lynch sets off a chain reaction of corporate power moves, culminating in the rise of Wall Street titans who will redefine what it means to be 'too big to fail.'. Fact: Did you know that corporate leaders often have more PR people than actual employees? Makes you wonder who's really running the show!.
• Headline: Trump May Merge 2 Casinos. Impact: Trump merging his casinos leads to an unprecedented era of glamour and gaudiness in Atlantic City, inspiring future generations to associate the word 'class' with gold-plated everything.. Fact: Did you know that Trump once said his casinos were 'the best'? You know, because who needs humility when you have a neon sign?.