DECEMBER 16, 1996

Full News Archive

• Headline: Legacy of Dr. Karl Beyer Jr.. Impact: If Dr. Beyer had discovered a cure for the common cold instead of just new drug classes, we might have had a world where sneezing was just a quirky hobby. Alas, history had other plans.. Fact: Dr. Beyer devoted his life to pharmacology, which is a fancy way of saying he figured out how to make us all dependent on pills instead of just herbal tea..
• Headline: McDonnell Douglas: A Legacy in Flight. Impact: McDonnell Douglas's legacy paved the way for future aircraft manufacturers. So if you ever find yourself delayed at an airport, just remember: it’s not just the weather; it’s decades of corporate mismanagement.. Fact: McDonnell Douglas played a vital role in military aircraft, proving that sometimes your greatest contribution to peace is making sure everyone has the latest fighter jet..
• Headline: Bennett vs. Bronfman on Gangsta Rap Debate. Impact: Bennett's crusade against gangsta rap not only ignited debates on artistic freedom but also inadvertently fueled the rise of underground artists who thrived on controversy. Thanks, Bill!. Fact: William Bennett's disdain for gangsta rap is almost as famous as his love for virtue signaling, which is basically like saying you enjoy eating kale while never actually trying it..
• Headline: When the Executives, Not the Stars, Get the Hollywood Spotlight. Impact: The focus on executives over stars might have led to a world where accountants are the new Kardashians—just imagine the reality show.. Fact: Michael Ovitz's departure was such big news that it overshadowed actual movie releases—because who needs entertainment when you can watch corporate drama unfold?.
• Headline: Internet Sex-Assault Suspect Enjoyed Macabre and Mythical. Impact: Jovanovic’s case might have set off a chain reaction leading to increased scrutiny of online interactions, which eventually gave birth to the term 'catfish' and solidified our collective paranoia about strangers on the internet.. Fact: This case serves as a reminder that meeting people online can be just as risky as trying to pet a stray cat—sometimes you get scratched, sometimes you get a horror story..
• Headline: Iraqis Look Ahead to Fattening Of Rations as Part of U.N. Deal. Impact: The U.N. deal could have turned into a bizarre reality show where Iraqis barter their rations for oil, proving once again that food and politics are a recipe for chaos.. Fact: The idea of turning oil into food is just a reminder that sometimes, the best plans are those that sound good in theory but fail spectacularly in practice..