DECEMBER 12, 1996

Full News Archive

• Headline: Air Force Clears General in Tragic Bombing. Impact: If only the Air Force inquiry had pointed fingers at the right people, maybe 19 lives could have been saved, and we wouldn't have a long history of military accountability still being a punchline.. Fact: Did you know that military inquiries are often like group projects? One person does all the work, and everyone else just gets to pass the grade..
• Headline: Ghanaian Diplomat Kofi Annan's Leadership Bid. Impact: Kofi Annan's rise was like a diplomatic game of musical chairs, only to find out that the chair was actually a veto. If only France had a sense of humor about their veto power!. Fact: Did you know? The U.N. is like that one friend who always gets invited to parties but never really gets to be the one in charge..
• Headline: Pataki Urges Gradual End Of Rent Laws. Impact: Pataki’s gradual approach to rent laws probably gave landlords a reason to celebrate—and yet, here we are, still with sky-high rents and housing crises. Who would've guessed?. Fact: Did you know that 'gradual' is just a fancy way of saying 'let's wait until everyone forgets why this was a bad idea'?.
• Headline: Veterans Dept. Blames Pentagon For Delay in Gulf Health Studies. Impact: Blaming the Pentagon for delays in health studies is like blaming a traffic jam on the guy who forgot to put gas in the car. Spoiler: it doesn't fix the problem, and people still get hurt.. Fact: Did you know? Veterans Affairs and the Pentagon could probably win a gold medal in the sport of passing the blame..
• Headline: U.S. Linked Rebel to Killings But Granted Visa, Study Says. Impact: The U.S. granting a visa to a known killer is like letting a fox guard the henhouse. It’s a wonder we didn’t have a reality show about it—'Visa or No Visa: The Ultimate Risk!'. Fact: Fun fact: The U.S. has more loopholes than a rabbit warren, especially when it comes to immigration..
• Headline: A Day at the High Court: Fickle Fortune v. Reno. Impact: The Supreme Court's decision to give cops more power is like handing the keys to a sports car to a teenager—what could possibly go wrong? History shows us, a lot.. Fact: Did you know? The Supreme Court could probably use a little more Netflix and chill to understand real-life consequences..
• Headline: Ovitz Is Said To Be in Talks To Quit Disney. Impact: Ovitz leaving Disney for Sony could have shifted the entire entertainment landscape. Imagine a world where Mickey Mouse had to compete with PlayStation mascots for attention.. Fact: Did you know that Disney's corporate drama is sometimes more entertaining than their movies? It's like a soap opera with talking animals..
• Headline: RUSSIA TELLS NATO IT ACCEPTS OFFER ON A FORMAL LINK. Impact: Russia accepting NATO's offer is like agreeing to share dessert with your ex at a party—awkward, but necessary. Little did they know, it would lead to years of geopolitical drama.. Fact: Did you know? 'Pragmatism' in international relations usually means 'we're not fighting today, but don't get too comfortable.'.
• Headline: Fund Investors Seek Sidelines After Joining Earlier Rallies. Impact: The slowdown in fund investments is a classic case of 'the party’s over, folks.' If only investors had remembered that markets are like roller coasters—ups are fun, but those downs can be stomach-churning.. Fact: Did you know? The stock market is basically a high-stakes game of musical chairs, and everyone’s just hoping they don't end up left standing..