NOVEMBER 28, 1996

Full News Archive

• Headline: Kiwi Airlines Secures Emergency Funding. Impact: With this $5 million loan, Kiwi Airlines could have transformed into a global aviation giant, eventually leading to the invention of hovercrafts. Instead, they probably just used it to buy more in-flight snacks. Fact: Kiwi Airlines was once so financially strapped, they considered offering flight attendants as part-time yoga instructors to save on costs.
• Headline: Tribute to Gerry Cosby, Sports Pioneer. Impact: With Gerry's passing, the sporting goods world felt a ripple of change, leading to an unexpected surge in niche sports like competitive potato sack racing—truly a legacy that will not be forgotten. Fact: Gerry Cosby had a knack for predicting which sports would boom—right up until he predicted the resurgence of the hula hoop. Spoiler alert: it didn’t happen.
• Headline: 2d Murder Charge Is Filed. Impact: The discovery of Patrick Magoon's body could have led to a crime documentary series that brings attention to unsolved mysteries, inspiring a generation of amateur sleuths to take up detective work in their own neighborhoods. Talk about a dramatic twist!. Fact: The average person is more likely to solve a Rubik's Cube than a murder case, but here’s hoping the detectives have better luck than your last game night.
• Headline: Bissell Bragged to the End. Impact: Nicholas Bissell’s dramatic exit could have inspired a new genre of film: tragic legal comedies. Fleeing from the law only to meet his end in a hotel room—Hollywood would have eaten that up!. Fact: Fleeing from justice is like running from a bear: in theory, you just have to be faster than the slowest person. Spoiler: it rarely ends well.
• Headline: In Tower at Kennedy, Rush Hour All Day. Impact: The chaos at Kennedy Airport could have inspired a new trend in airport design: a labyrinthine layout where travelers get lost and spend more money at overpriced shops. Everyone wins, right?. Fact: The only thing busier than an airport on the day before Thanksgiving is the TSA line, which should really come with a warning label: ‘Patience Required.’.
• Headline: William H. Bowen, 80, Lawyer And Venture Capitalist in Dallas. Impact: William's passing may have left a void in the legal and venture capital world, potentially altering the course of many startups. Who knows? Without his influence, the next big tech firm could have been a burrito delivery service instead of an AI company. Fact: Venture capitalists are like modern-day wizards—magically turning ideas into gold, and occasionally turning gold back into ideas that flop.
• Headline: Roving Test: Room Scents, Savvy Noses. Impact: The enthusiasm for home fragrances could have led to a global obsession with scent branding, where everyone’s home smells like a tropical paradise—or worse, a landfill. The battle of home fragrances would have been legendary. Fact: The only thing worse than a house smelling like a garbage truck is a house smelling like a garbage truck that also has a cat. Double trouble!.
• Headline: To Portuguese, an Artificial Quake Is Still a Quake. Impact: The decision to cancel the artificial earthquake project might have prevented a future where scientists accidentally triggered a series of real quakes, leading to a world where geology becomes a spectator sport. Who doesn't love a good seismic shake?. Fact: Simulating earthquakes is a lot like trying to create artificial intelligence: you think you’re in control, but you might just end up causing chaos instead.