NOVEMBER 21, 1996

Full News Archive

• Headline: Jones Aims for Championship Glory. Impact: Roy Jones Jr. stepping up in class leads to an explosion of boxing memes that forever changes the way we perceive sports commentary, ultimately resulting in a world where boxing commentators are treated like rock stars.. Fact: Jones once fought a bear. Okay, that’s a lie, but wouldn't that be a spectacle?.
• Headline: U.S. Student Performance in Global Math and Science. Impact: America's mediocre performance in math and science leads to a nationwide shortage of calculators and an overabundance of 'Math is Hard' T-shirts, eventually causing a generation to rely on their phones for basic arithmetic.. Fact: The U.S. is so average in math that even our calculators are on a break..
• Headline: Army Football Coach Bob Sutton Extended. Impact: Bob Sutton's contract extension sends shockwaves through college football that cause future coaches to negotiate for three-year contracts just to have an excuse for their next disappointing season.. Fact: Sutton's real talent lies in extending contracts, not winning games..
• Headline: Panel Disputes Studies on Gulf War Illness. Impact: The panel's investigation into Gulf War Illness leads to a series of bureaucratic meetings that ultimately inspires a new genre of dystopian literature, where veterans battle paperwork rather than enemies.. Fact: In the future, the phrase 'Gulf War Illness' becomes shorthand for any vague health problem that can't be explained..
• Headline: Reeves Stands Stolid Amid The Tempest. Impact: Dan Reeves' struggles with the Giants spark a wave of self-help books for coaches, leading to an unexpected boom in the motivational speaking industry—because who doesn't want to hear a coach talk about failure?. Fact: Reeves probably could have solved all his problems with a motivational poster that says 'Hang in There.'.
• Headline: Tenants Lose in Garbage Suit. Impact: The garbage suit ruling leads to an underground movement of tenants organizing their own garbage collection, inadvertently starting a revolution against bureaucratic inefficiency that lasts for decades.. Fact: Sometimes, the trash really does talk back—especially when it's a Supreme Court ruling..
• Headline: Kuehne Turns Professional And Will Team With Woods. Impact: Kelli Kuehne turning professional inspires a new wave of female golfers, leading to a future where golf becomes as popular as reality television—because nothing says 'high stakes' like a birdie.. Fact: Kuehne once played a round of golf with a group of squirrels. They won..