NOVEMBER 13, 1996

Full News Archive

• Headline: Clinton Considers Fiscal Amendment Options. Impact: If only Clinton had actually resisted that amendment, we might have saved ourselves from a future filled with fiscal cliffs, budget debates, and the phrase 'cutting the deficit' becoming a national obsession. You're welcome, future generations!. Fact: Fun fact: The U.S. Constitution has been amended only 27 times! So, you know, no pressure, Bill. Just one more amendment and you could've been a historical trendsetter..
• Headline: Transactions. Impact: These transactions were so riveting they led to the invention of the 'Sports Transaction Bingo' game, where fans could mark off all the trades and retirements while sipping their lukewarm stadium beer.. Fact: Sports transactions are like the adult version of trading Pokémon. Only instead of Charizard, you get a washed-up quarterback who can barely throw a spiral!.
• Headline: Possible Help on Water Bills. Impact: Blossom Peretz's decision-making process on water bills sparked a nationwide trend of people hoarding water bottles, just in case the utilities decided to raise their prices again—because who doesn't want a collection of 500 empty plastic bottles?. Fact: Water bills can be so high, they might as well come with a side of therapy—'You owe this much for what? Your basic human right to hydration?'.
• Headline: Theater in Review. Impact: The review of 'The Queen of Bingo' led to an unexpected rise in bingo-themed plays and musicals, resulting in a bizarre Broadway season that left critics scratching their heads—'Is this really what theater has come to?'. Fact: 'Queen of Bingo'? Sounds like a title that was just waiting for someone to say, 'You know what this world needs? More bingo and less Shakespeare!'.
• Headline: Calls Issued For Boycott Of Texaco. Impact: The Texaco boycott sparked a wave of corporate social responsibility initiatives, leading CEOs to suddenly get very interested in their diversity training—and to hire PR firms to create their 'we care' campaigns.. Fact: Boycotting Texaco was a bold move! Because nothing says 'we hate racism' quite like not buying gas from a company. On the bright side, they probably saved a ton on gas money!.
• Headline: Rome Talks To Examine Aid to Hungry. Impact: Discussions about world hunger at the summit led to the invention of 'Hunger Games: The Real Edition,' where world leaders had to compete in bizarre challenges to win food for the needy—like juggling while reciting the Preamble.. Fact: Isn’t it ironic that we discuss hunger at a summit where there's probably a buffet? It’s like having a weight-loss seminar at an all-you-can-eat buffet!.
• Headline: Anita Hill Plans to Leave Teaching Post in Oklahoma. Impact: Anita Hill leaving her teaching post was the first domino that led to a series of movements advocating for women's rights, resulting in the 'Me Too' movement—because sometimes it takes a while for people to realize that harassment is a big deal.. Fact: Anita Hill's courage in 1991 was so groundbreaking that it made Judge Clarence Thomas's confirmation hearings more of a soap opera than a legal proceeding. Who knew politics could be so dramatic?.
• Headline: Barbra Streisand, Still Not Pretty Enough. Impact: Barbra Streisand's ongoing struggles with self-image inspired a generation of artists to embrace their imperfections, creating a whole new genre of music that celebrates flaws—because nothing says 'I love me' quite like a heartfelt ballad about your nose.. Fact: Even at 54, Barbra was still burdened by her mother's criticism. It’s like she’s living proof that no matter how successful you are, parental judgment is forever—thanks, Mom!.