OCTOBER 23, 1996

Full News Archive

• Headline: IPOs Take to the Internet: A New Era. Impact: The rise of IPOnet led to the birth of countless startup millionaires who all thought they were geniuses, while the rest of us still couldn't figure out dial-up. By the end of the decade, a cat video became an acceptable IPO strategy.. Fact: Did you know that the first official IPO on the internet was for a company that sold pet rocks? True story, but don't worry, the company wasn't a total flop..
• Headline: Islanders' Disappointing Playoff Elimination. Impact: The Islanders' loss started a chain reaction that resulted in a 30-year-long tradition of blaming everything on the refs, leading to the invention of the 'It's not my fault, the ref made me do it' bumper sticker.. Fact: Did you know that the Islanders once had a player named 'The Hammer'? His real name was Bob, but 'The Hammer' really added an edge to the team’s marketing strategy..
• Headline: U.S. Policy Shift on Taliban Leadership. Impact: The U.S. distancing itself from the Taliban was like that moment when you realize your friend has been hanging out with the person who stole your lunch money. Spoiler alert: it didn't end well.. Fact: Did you know that the Taliban once banned kite flying because it was deemed too Western? Talk about taking fun to an extreme!.
• Headline: Prekindergarten-Plan Protest. Impact: The prekindergarten plan protest led to a massive increase in coffee consumption among parents, who now needed extra energy to navigate the chaotic world of educational bureaucracy, proving that caffeine is the true MVP of parenting.. Fact: Did you know that 4-year-olds are basically tiny dictators? They want what they want, when they want it, and they will negotiate like seasoned lawyers..
• Headline: Clinton Pursues Party Sweep Without Whispering a Hint. Impact: Clinton's non-partisan campaign strategy inspired future politicians to master the art of saying nothing while looking busy, a skill still in high demand today.. Fact: Did you know that 'Bob Dole' is actually just a fancy way of saying 'I’m really old and still running for president'? It's a political phenomenon!.
• Headline: Gastineau to Fight Highsmith. Impact: Gastineau's boxing match with Highsmith paved the way for future athletes to take their rivalries to the ring, leading to reality TV shows where former athletes fight over who had the better cereal endorsement.. Fact: Did you know that boxing is just like football, except with fewer helmets and more people yelling 'Get him!'? It's basically a sport for the overly enthusiastic..
• Headline: Ads Showing Dead Fetuses Stir Uproar. Impact: The uproar from those ads led to the creation of a new genre of political advertisement: 'How to Shock Your Viewers into Submission', which continues to be a staple in campaigns today.. Fact: Did you know that political ads have become so dramatic that some viewers now believe they're watching a horror movie instead of a campaign? Spoiler alert: no one survives Election Day..
• Headline: Minivan Service for Disabled. Impact: The introduction of minivan services for the disabled sparked an entire industry dedicated to making public transportation a little less terrifying, thus increasing the average person's reliance on GPS and coffee.. Fact: Did you know that minivans were originally designed for soccer moms but quickly evolved into the ultimate transport vehicle for all those 'I really need to go to the grocery store' emergencies?.
• Headline: Yanks Have Come Back Before. Impact: The history of the Yankees in the World Series inspired generations of fans to believe in the concept of 'next year will be our year'—a phrase now used by every sports fan since the dawn of time.. Fact: Did you know that the Yankees have more championships than most countries have won medals in the Olympics? Talk about overachievers!.