OCTOBER 18, 1996

Full News Archive

• Headline: Heating Oil Price Investigation in NYC. Impact: Thanks to this inquiry, all oil companies started using more transparent pricing models. Just kidding! They just got sneakier and invented 'dynamic pricing.'. Fact: Did you know that when oil prices rise, so does the number of conspiracy theories about secret cabals controlling the world? It's basically a law of nature..
• Headline: Executives Support Dole Amid Economic Growth. Impact: This poll may have led to executives feeling overly confident, resulting in the infamous 'we can do whatever we want' attitude that led to the 2008 financial crisis. Oops!. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing executives love more than a good economy is a good bonus. Just don’t ask them to share the wealth!.
• Headline: Dave Brown Addresses Quarterbacking Concerns. Impact: Dave Brown's refusal to acknowledge his issues led to a decade of mediocre quarterbacking, causing fans to invent new ways to express their frustration, including interpretive dance.. Fact: Did you know that the media can blow things out of proportion faster than a balloon at a kid's birthday party? Just ask any quarterback..
• Headline: Editor in Chief to Leave Buzz Magazine. Impact: Allan Mayer's departure led to a complete overhaul of Buzz Magazine, which eventually became a trendy influencer platform, proving that sometimes bad vibes lead to better brands.. Fact: Did you know that magazine editors have a life expectancy slightly longer than that of their magazines? It's a tough gig!.
• Headline: Was It High Art or High Crime?. Impact: The question of whether it was high art or high crime inspired countless debates in coffee shops, leading to an increase in pretentiousness among aspiring playwrights everywhere.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'high art' was invented to make people feel better about spending tons of money on things they don't understand? It’s basically art for the elite..