OCTOBER 15, 1996

Full News Archive

• Headline: Goldman's Historic Promotion Announcement. Impact: The elevation of 115 Goldman Sachs employees led to an unprecedented rise in office coffee consumption. Over the years, this caffeine-fueled ambition resulted in the creation of the world's first 'Financial Espresso'—a potent blend that fueled countless market crashes.. Fact: Did you know that becoming a managing director at Goldman Sachs is like being promoted to 'Chief Paper Shuffler'? Congratulations on the new title, enjoy the extra stress!.
• Headline: Beryl Reid: Celebrated British Actress Passes Away. Impact: Beryl Reid's death marked a significant turning point in the portrayal of eccentric characters in film and television, leading to a surge of quirky characters in media. This eventually resulted in the creation of 'quirky character archetypes'—which are now as common as cat videos on the internet.. Fact: Beryl Reid was so good at playing eccentric characters that even her houseplants started developing personalities..
• Headline: A Caffeine Jolt For the Braves' Sleeping Bats. Impact: The Braves' victory sparked a rivalry that would lead to the invention of 'sleeping bag stadium seats,' allowing fans to nap through the slow parts of a game while still appearing devoted. This innovation has since revolutionized the sporting event experience.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'caffeine jolt' is just a fancy way of saying 'please don't fall asleep while watching grown men throw balls'?.
• Headline: Devils' Youth Movement Does Not Include Broten. Impact: Neal Broten being placed on waivers set off a chain reaction where players started believing they could also be benched without warning. This led to a year of players nervously checking their mailboxes for 'the letter'—a practice that ultimately became a reality TV show.. Fact: Did you know that placing someone on waivers is not a new form of 'extreme sports'? Although it might feel like it after you hear the news..
• Headline: Bond Market Closed. Impact: The bond market closing for Columbus Day ignited a nationwide debate on whether or not we should actually celebrate the guy who thought he found India. This controversy has since fueled countless national holidays that nobody really cares about.. Fact: Did you know that Columbus Day was originally celebrated by Italians until they realized it was just a really bad PR move?.
• Headline: ARCHER DANIELS AGREES TO BIG FINE FOR PRICE FIXING. Impact: Archer Daniels Midland's fine for price fixing created a butterfly effect in the agricultural industry, leading to farmers developing a secret handshake to avoid future legal troubles. This handshake eventually morphed into an underground movement known as 'Crop Circles: The Negotiation Edition.'. Fact: Did you know that price fixing is basically just a fancy term for 'group project gone wrong'? Everyone's in it together until someone gets caught..