OCTOBER 13, 1996

Full News Archive

• Headline: Pumpkin Festival and Petting Zoo Fun. Impact: If the Pumpkin Festival hadn't happened, we might never have invented the concept of pumpkin spice lattes, leading to a world devoid of basic white girl culture. Thank you, Suffolk County!. Fact: Did you know that pumpkins are technically a fruit? But let’s be honest, they are mostly just orange decorations that scream 'fall is here!'.
• Headline: Struggles of Shoreline Star Dog Track. Impact: The struggles of the Shoreline Star greyhound race track might have led to a future where people actually took up knitting instead of betting—oh, the horror!. Fact: Did you know greyhounds can reach speeds of up to 45 miles per hour? Too bad the track couldn't keep up with their enthusiasm.
• Headline: East African Countries Keep Burundi Sanctions in Place. Impact: The continued sanctions against Burundi might just inspire a new wave of economic strategists who think 'let's just keep punishing them until they give in' is a viable long-term plan. Spoiler alert: it's not. Fact: Sanctions have been a method of political pressure since the dawn of time. They work about as well as telling a toddler 'no'.
• Headline: RESULTS PLUS. Impact: The existence of the ResultsPlus column may have been the catalyst for future generations to believe that all knowledge can be reduced to numbers on a page, leading to the rise of spreadsheets over human interaction. Fact: Fun fact: Many people still think that sports stats are the only thing that matters in sports. Spoiler: It's actually the fun and games!.
• Headline: It's Thailand Versus Hollywood in the War of the Planets. Impact: If Planet Hollywood had succeeded in shutting down Planet Thailand, we might have seen the rise of a global culinary chain called Planet Something Else, where everything tastes like regret. Fact: Did you know that the first Planet Hollywood opened in 1991? Clearly, they were ahead of their time in capitalizing on celebrity obsession!.
• Headline: Musical in Makeover: 'Teddy and Alice'. Impact: The makeover of 'Teddy and Alice' could spark a future trend of revamping failed productions, leading to a world where every cancelled show gets a second chance—eventually resulting in a musical version of every movie ever made. Fact: Did you know 'Teddy and Alice' was originally a flop on Broadway? Talk about a comeback story nobody asked for!.
• Headline: Bogus Photo in Commercial Gives Virginia Senator a Headache. Impact: The faux pas in Senator Warner's ad could incite a wave of trust issues in political advertising, leading to future candidates opting for sock puppets instead of actual people. Fact: Did you know that political ads have been around since the dawn of democracy? And yet, we still can’t seem to get them right!.
• Headline: Amateur Groups Take Symphonic Challenges. Impact: The rise of aptitude tests in employee severance packages may eventually lead to a dystopian future where everyone's job is determined by a personality quiz—because clearly, that's how the universe works. Fact: Aptitude tests have been around for decades, proving that evaluating your life choices can be just as painful as the choices themselves!.