OCTOBER 7, 1996

Full News Archive

• Headline: Modell's Pursues Creative Advertising Ideas. Impact: If Modell's had actually found a creative advertising idea, we might have seen a world where sporting goods were marketed with interpretive dance. Imagine athletes in tutus promoting basketballs. You're welcome, world.. Fact: Did you know that $12 million could fund a small country’s entire advertising campaign? Or just one really fancy billboard in Times Square. Choices, choices..
• Headline: Moral Dilemma in Immigration Crisis. Impact: The Belgian boy's moral dilemma could have inspired a global movement for ethical construction practices. Instead, it just made everyone a little more cautious about who they hire for home renovations.. Fact: It's tragic, but construction sites are like the Wild West: full of hazards and questionable characters. So, safety first, folks!.
• Headline: Bernard King Rejects Authority Appointment. Impact: By declining this post, Bernard King unknowingly set off a series of events that led to the rise of countless mediocre sports administrators. So, thanks for that, Bernard.. Fact: Fun fact: sometimes it's better to say no than to end up in a job where your biggest achievement is getting coffee for the real decision-makers..
• Headline: Microsoft Pushing To Alter Standard For Digital TV. Impact: Had Microsoft succeeded in altering the digital TV standards, we might have ended up with a world where every TV came with a built-in Windows 95 interface. Who wouldn't love buffering while trying to watch the game?. Fact: Did you know that 'digital television' is just a fancy way of saying 'better resolution for you to watch cat videos'?.
• Headline: Spurred by U.S., Two Sides Open New Talks to Save Mideast Peace. Impact: These peace talks could lead to a breakthrough—or an epic fail that results in even more years of conflict. Talk about high stakes! It’s like playing poker with no cards.. Fact: Fun fact: 'peace talks' could actually be a euphemism for prolonged awkward silences and passive-aggressive coffee breaks..
• Headline: A Weak Housing Agency Seems to Be a Step Behind. Impact: The housing agency's failures set the stage for countless reality TV shows showcasing the struggles of urban living. Who knew disorganization could be so entertaining?. Fact: Spoiler alert: 'Barely Four Walls' is not the title of the latest horror movie, but it could be if they decided to make a film about it!.
• Headline: Huddled Masses, Longing for Yankee Tickets. Impact: The frenzy for Yankees tickets may have inspired the modern-day scalping industry, leading to questionable characters outside every major sporting event. Thanks a lot, Yankees fans!. Fact: Did you know that waiting in line for tickets is basically the adult version of camping out for the latest iPhone? Only with more hot dogs and fewer selfies..
• Headline: Subway Shops To Hal Riney. Impact: Hal Riney & Partners could have revolutionized sandwich advertising, perhaps turning every sub into a celebrity. Next thing you know, the meatball sub would be running for office.. Fact: Fun fact: if you look closely at a Subway ad, you might find a sandwich that looks more like a work of art than food. Just don’t eat it—it's probably a prop..
• Headline: Democrats Hoping to Regain Ground Lost to G.O.P. in '94. Impact: The Democrats' struggle to regain ground may have inspired a series of 'How to Lose Friends and Alienate Voters' workshops. Spoiler: it includes a lot of awkward dancing at rallies.. Fact: Did you know that political campaigns are just like high school popularity contests, but with less honesty and more negative ads? Can't wait for the prom!.
• Headline: For Woods, The Wait Is A Short One. Impact: Tiger Woods winning that tournament might have been the catalyst for golf becoming somewhat cool again, leading to an influx of hipsters donning plaid pants on the greens. Thanks, Tiger!. Fact: Fun fact: Tiger Woods winning a golf tournament is like a cat video going viral—everyone pretends to care, but deep down, they just want to see a hole-in-one..