OCTOBER 2, 1996

Full News Archive

• Headline: Reforming Ethical Standards in New Jersey. Impact: The overhaul of the ethics unit led to a cascade of ethical dilemmas, eventually resulting in the invention of the term 'political ethics,' which is ironically a complete oxymoron.. Fact: The term 'ethical standards' in politics is like a unicorn—everyone talks about it, but no one's ever seen one..
• Headline: Supreme Court Reviews Georgia's Drug Testing Law. Impact: This challenge to drug tests for candidates set off a chain reaction where politicians started to debate what constitutes 'passing'—leading to an entire generation of them thinking they could simply 'pass' it with a smile.. Fact: Did you know that drug testing politicians is like trying to get a cat to take a bath? It's messy and nobody really wants to do it..
• Headline: In Mamet's 'Edmond,' a Man on Empty. Impact: The revival of Mamet's play caused a dramatic increase in the number of sad, introspective men in coffee shops, forever altering the landscape of hipster culture.. Fact: Did you know that Mamet's works are often performed in dimly lit theaters to match the general mood of the audience? Just kidding, they’re just trying to hide the tears..
• Headline: Compromise Is Offered on Computer Security Codes. Impact: The compromise on computer security codes led to the wild proliferation of hacking tutorials on YouTube, resulting in the rise of a new generation of 'hacktivists' who think they're the next Robin Hood.. Fact: Did you know that compromising on security is like putting a 'please don't break' sign on a piñata? Spoiler alert: it never works..
• Headline: Party Line on Environment. Impact: The party-line voting on environmental legislation inadvertently inspired a new generation of eco-conscious influencers, who now have more followers than actual environmental changes.. Fact: Did you know that voting along party lines is like agreeing to eat only one flavor of ice cream for the rest of your life? Who would want to be that boring?.
• Headline: Report Cites Wetlands Threat. Impact: The report on wetlands loss led directly to the creation of a new line of fashionable 'Wetlands Chic' clothing, because nothing says 'I care about the environment' like wearing a t-shirt with a dying marsh on it.. Fact: Did you know that losing 80% of wetlands is not just a statistic? It's a fashion statement waiting to happen!.
• Headline: AT&T Ready To Roll Out New Wireless Phone Service. Impact: AT&T's rollout of wireless service sparked a global obsession with mobile devices, which ultimately led to the invention of 'phubbing'—the act of ignoring your friends in favor of your smartphone.. Fact: Did you know that AT&T's new service was so revolutionary that it took less time for people to get addicted to their phones than to learn how to use them?.
• Headline: Con Ed Offers To Hold Rates For Five Years. Impact: Con Ed's proposal to freeze rates caused a ripple effect of other utilities attempting to follow suit, leading to the eventual invention of the phrase 'utility companies doing the bare minimum.'. Fact: Did you know that proposing to hold rates for five years is like promising to stay on a diet while standing next to a buffet? Good luck with that!.