SEPTEMBER 25, 1996

Full News Archive

• Headline: Djordjevic Joins the Trail Blazers. Impact: If Aleksandr Djordjevic hadn't signed with the Blazers, the entire landscape of basketball might have shifted. Imagine a world where the Blazers don't become a mid-tier team, leading to a butterfly effect that results in fewer hipster sports bars. The horror!. Fact: Djordjevic is considered one of the greatest European players of all time, but does anyone ever mention that his name sounds like a fancy cocktail? 'I'll have a Djordjevic on the rocks, please.'.
• Headline: Transactions. Impact: These mundane sports transactions are the lifeblood of the sports industry, keeping fans interested in who’s joining which team. Imagine if they didn’t happen—suddenly, sports news would be about actual sports instead of just contracts. What a tragedy!. Fact: Transactions are basically the soap operas of sports. ‘Will they? Won’t they?’ becomes ‘Will they? Won’t they sign that contract?’.
• Headline: Medical Kickbacks Admitted. Impact: Ronald M Nemeroff's guilty plea for kickbacks reflects a broader culture of corruption in the medical field. If he hadn’t been caught, it’s likely that ‘kickback’ would have become a trendy new medical term. Thanks, Ronald!. Fact: Kickbacks in medicine are illegal, but they sound like something you'd hear at a wild frat party, not in a doctor's office..
• Headline: Clinton Pulls For His Party In New Jersey. Impact: Clinton’s campaigning in New Jersey likely influenced not just local elections but also national sentiments. Had he stayed home, perhaps we'd have seen a very different political landscape. Or at least fewer awkward campaign selfies.. Fact: Clinton was known for his charisma on the campaign trail, which leads one to wonder if he was actually running for President or for 'Most Likely to Host a BBQ.'.
• Headline: Vote on Sex-Offender Prison. Impact: The push for voter referendums on sex-offender prisons could lead to a domino effect in criminal justice reform. Imagine if voters had a say in everything—next thing you know, they'll want to decide what toppings go on pizza, too.. Fact: The idea of a referendum on prison policies is like letting a toddler choose their own bedtime; it might sound cute until you realize they have no clue what they’re doing..