SEPTEMBER 13, 1996

Full News Archive

• Headline: Cigar's Historic Return to Belmont Park. Impact: The moment Cigar paraded in New York, a butterfly flapped its wings, leading to a chain reaction that resulted in an unexpected rise in cigar sales worldwide. This eventually sparked the hipster trend of cigar lounges in the most unlikely of places, like vegan cafes and yoga studios.. Fact: Cigar was so popular that it inspired a short-lived trend where people named their pets after him. Imagine a dog named 'Cigar' prancing around the park!.
• Headline: Clinton's Southern Strategy Breakthrough. Impact: Clinton's newfound popularity in the South was like a political domino effect, causing Bob Dole to reconsider his entire campaign strategy. This ultimately led to the invention of the phrase 'political chameleon'—a term used for candidates who change colors to win votes.. Fact: Clinton's charm in the South was so effective that it sparked an annual festival called 'Whistling Dixie,' where politicians compete in exaggerated Southern accents. Spoiler: they lose every year..
• Headline: Desert Encounters: Danger and Intrigue. Impact: This peculiar gathering of bad men in the desert inadvertently inspired a Hollywood trope that would lead to a thousand mediocre action movies featuring 'rugged men with mysterious pasts' fighting over the last bottle of water.. Fact: If you ever wondered what happens when bad men gather, just know it’s not a book club. They rarely discuss anything that doesn’t involve guns and bad decisions..
• Headline: Norman, Els Join All the Presidents' Men. Impact: The Presidents Cup golf tournament brought together leaders, and with every swing of the club, the fate of international relations hung in the balance. Who knew golf could decide the fate of nations? Next, we’ll be using chess to solve world hunger.. Fact: The Presidents' Cup has made more headlines for its awkward wardrobe choices than for the actual golf played. Who wouldn’t want to see politicians in plaid shorts?.
• Headline: Boyhood Dream Builds More Than a Mountain. Impact: John VanBarriger's 50-foot mountain became a local legend, inspiring people to dream big and—ultimately—contribute to a global increase in DIY home improvement shows. Thanks, John, for making us all feel like underachievers.. Fact: After building his mountain, John received calls from reality TV producers who wanted to turn his life into a series titled 'Big Rock Dreams: The Struggle of a DIY Guy.'.
• Headline: Bond Prices Up Modestly On Price Data. Impact: The rise in bond prices was the financial equivalent of a warm hug; it soothed investors and led to a massive increase in coffee consumption in Wall Street cafes as brokers celebrated their good fortune by brewing more caffeine.. Fact: Bond traders are known for their intense dedication to caffeine, often leading to a secret handshake involving espresso shots and whispered numbers. It's like Fight Club, but with more spreadsheets..
• Headline: Israeli Court Gives Wife the Right to Her Embryos. Impact: This landmark decision on reproductive rights was a game-changer, setting off a ripple effect that led to various other rights movements. Somewhere in the future, a butterfly flapped its wings and started a podcast on women's rights, creating an entire genre.. Fact: In a bizarre twist, the case inadvertently inspired a series of sitcoms about estranged couples navigating the complexities of parenthood, proving that life can be stranger than fiction..
• Headline: U.S. Sends Another Carrier To Bolster Mideast Forces. Impact: The dispatch of a second aircraft carrier to the Middle East sent shockwaves of dread through Iraqi dining establishments, as chefs began to prepare for a surge in 'patriotism-themed' menus featuring items like 'Freedom Fries'—because who doesn’t love war-themed dining?. Fact: Pentagon dispatches are often less about military strategy and more about impressing the neighbors. Nothing says 'we mean business' like a new shiny aircraft carrier parked in the driveway..
• Headline: Shedding Light on Drug Use in Pro Football. Impact: By shedding light on drug use in pro football, Richard Sandomir inadvertently opened a Pandora's box that led to a series of documentaries, reality shows, and a new genre of sports commentary we never knew we needed.. Fact: The NFL now has more drug testing policies than actual players, which makes you wonder if they'll start testing for caffeine and energy drinks next!.