SEPTEMBER 11, 1996

Full News Archive

• Headline: Judge Stops Controversial Rail Link. Impact: The judge's ruling created a butterfly effect that led to the formation of a secret society of local commuters who vowed to only use bicycles and horses for transportation, inadvertently sparking a trend that would have made medieval jousting tournaments the hottest new sport in the 21st century.. Fact: Did you know that in New Jersey, they once tried to turn a highway into a giant roller coaster? True story. They figured it would ease traffic jams... or cause more injuries. Whichever came first..
• Headline: Exploring Sports Results and Statistics. Impact: The results of a simple sports match led to a nationwide obsession with fantasy leagues, resulting in the invention of the 'Professional Pointless Stats' award, which eventually became an Olympic event in an alternate timeline.. Fact: Did you know that sports results are often more predictable than your friend's dating choices? At least the score can be calculated with numbers rather than pure emotional chaos..
• Headline: Olympic Star to Retire. Impact: Fu Mingxia's retirement caused a ripple effect in the diving community that led to an influx of 'retirement parties' for athletes, where they would simply sit and reminisce about when they were actually good.. Fact: Did you know that diving is the only sport where you can win gold while *not* being able to swim? Talk about a paradox!.
• Headline: Guns That Kill and Art That Hurts. Impact: The gun-based art exhibit inspired a movement that led to all art being created using unconventional materials, like spaghetti and old socks, causing the art world to spiral into a bizarre pasta-themed renaissance.. Fact: Did you know that art can be both beautiful and painful? Just like trying to explain modern art to your uncle at Thanksgiving..