AUGUST 28, 1996

Full News Archive

• Headline: RESULTS PLUS: Overview of Sports Achievements. Impact: The results of sports events have caused a ripple effect, leading to the birth of millions of 'armchair coaches' and fantasy league enthusiasts who think they could do better than the pros. Spoiler: they can't. Fact: Did you know that for every sports result, there’s at least one person convinced they could’ve made a better call as a referee? Reality check: You can’t even find your shoes in the morning.
• Headline: Hudson River Swim for Research. Impact: This swimming relay race not only raised funds for cancer research but also inspired an entire generation to think they could swim their way to a cure. Unfortunately, their swimming skills were more 'flail' than 'sail'. Fact: Did you know that the Hudson River was once considered so polluted that swimming in it was like playing a game of 'What’s That Floating?'? Thankfully, it’s improved a little, so go team!.
• Headline: Treasury Securities Rise in Price. Impact: The rise in Treasury securities led to a nationwide panic among conspiracy theorists convinced that the economy was secretly run by lizard people. Surprisingly, they still haven’t proven it. Fact: Did you know that Treasury bonds are often compared to watching paint dry? At least the paint is guaranteed to dry at some point.
• Headline: Edberg Isn't Finished Yet. Ask Krajicek.. Impact: Stefan Edberg's victory sent shockwaves through the tennis community, leading to a decade of overzealous racquet sales and a spike in 'I could totally beat him' claims from couch potatoes everywhere. Fact: Did you know that Edberg's victory over Krajicek paved the way for a whole generation of players who thought they could play tennis just because they watched it on TV? Spoiler alert: They couldn’t.
• Headline: Sound of One Fan Cheering for Reeves. Impact: Joe Gibbs' support for Dan Reeves inadvertently created a new genre of motivational speeches that now include the phrase 'beaten but not forgotten' as a staple. His legacy? A lot of sad coaches. Fact: Did you know that Joe Gibbs was once seen as a coaching guru? Guess it takes one to know one, or maybe he was just trying to make himself feel better.
• Headline: It's Shakespeare, Pardner, in a 10-Gallon Hat. Impact: The performance of 'The Merry Wives of Windsor' inspired many to don cowboy hats during Shakespearean plays, leading to a curious blend of cultures that confused theater-goers for decades. Spoiler: it didn’t end well. Fact: Did you know that Shakespeare probably never envisioned his plays being performed in ten-gallon hats? It’s like if someone put a sombrero on Hamlet!.
• Headline: Excerpts From Platform Adopted at Democratic Convention. Impact: The Democratic Convention platform excerpts inspired a new generation of political tweetstorms and hashtags. It turns out, people prefer their political opinions in 280 characters or less. Fact: Did you know that political platforms are often more like suggestions? Kind of like a buffet where you only take what looks good and leave the rest behind.
• Headline: As Party's Leader, Dodd Hews the Line but With a Credible Touch. Impact: Clinton's barnstorming through the Midwest led to an explosion of political rallies, which eventually evolved into a bizarre mix of rock concerts and pep rallies. Who knew politics could be so... entertaining?. Fact: Did you know that barnstorming is just a fancy term for 'let's make a lot of noise and hope people listen'? It's also how every family argument starts.