AUGUST 15, 1996

Full News Archive

• Headline: Steve Owens Becomes Athletic Director. Impact: The appointment of Steve Owens as athletic director led to a bizarre chain reaction where every Heisman winner since has been convinced they're destined for administrative greatness, resulting in a sports management program full of jocks who can't spell 'fiscal responsibility'.. Fact: Heisman Trophy winners are like potato chips; you can't have just one. Or at least that's what the athletic departments keep telling us..
• Headline: Dollar Rallies on German Rate Cut Speculation. Impact: In what can only be described as the 'Great Currency Cascade', the dollar's surge against the mark led to a worldwide panic about exchange rates, resulting in a black market for Monopoly money in Germany. They still don’t know how it happened.. Fact: The last time the dollar surged like this, it led to a nationwide shortage of paperweights and a rise in 'Would You Accept This In Monopoly Money?' memes..
• Headline: Abortion Barely Mentioned, Its Opponents Are Offended. Impact: The unspoken nature of abortion at the Republican National Convention created a bizarre time loop where discussions about it became so awkward that they could only be resolved in an alternate universe where everyone agrees on everything. Spoiler: that universe doesn't exist.. Fact: The most heated debates often occur in silence; it's like the awkward pause that follows a bad joke, but with more implications..
• Headline: Mexico's New Press Boldness Stops at Leader's Desk. Impact: The boldness of Mexican reporters, while inspiring, inadvertently led to an international trend of 'brave journalism' where journalists everywhere began demanding to know who ate the last piece of cake in the break room.. Fact: Investigative journalism is basically just a fancy term for being nosy with a notebook and a lot more coffee..
• Headline: A Wife Takes a Star Turn. Impact: Elizabeth Dole’s talk-show-host moment at the convention inspired countless politicians to adopt similar formats, leading to the bizarre trend of campaign speeches becoming more like reality TV episodes. Now, debates come with a cliffhanger.. Fact: Talk shows and politics might seem different, but both rely heavily on dramatic pauses and vague promises..
• Headline: Of Politics And News: Two Films From Life. Impact: Mike Nichols' commentary on adapting 'Primary Colors' led to an avalanche of novels being turned into movies, ultimately resulting in a future where even grocery lists became bestsellers in Hollywood. Watch out, 'The Chronicles of My Grocery Run'!. Fact: Adaptations are like leftovers: you think you're going to enjoy them later, but they often just end up in the trash..