AUGUST 1, 1996

Full News Archive

• Headline: Sheffer's NBA Aspirations Begin in Israel. Impact: If Doron Sheffer hadn't signed with the Israeli team, basketball might have never made it to the Middle East, leading to a global shortage of slam dunks and a rise in chess popularity instead.. Fact: Doron Sheffer's name sounds like a character from a sitcom about basketball players trying to make it big, but alas, it’s real life!.
• Headline: Beckett's Godot Takes Center Stage. Impact: This review sparked a revolution in Irish literature, leading to the discovery that waiting for anything—bus, Godot, or pizza—was a universal experience.. Fact: If Godot had shown up, the entire play would have been just a bunch of awkward small talk, but hey, that's life, right?.
• Headline: Buchanan Agrees Not to Speak at the Convention. Impact: Buchanan's silencing at the convention led to conspiracy theories about secret Republican meetings where they plotted to take over the world with bland speeches.. Fact: It's rumored that Buchanan's speech was so boring, it could put a caffeinated squirrel to sleep..
• Headline: Pack Signs Five-Year Deal And Defends Nets' Decision. Impact: Pack's signing solidified the Nets' reputation as the team that celebrates mediocrity with million-dollar contracts, leading to hilariously awkward post-game interviews.. Fact: Robert Pack's five-year contract could buy you a decent house... or a small island with absolutely no basketball..
• Headline: U.S. Approves Safer Vaccine For Blocking Fatal Cough. Impact: The approval of this vaccine drastically reduced the number of whooping cough cases, allowing parents to finally stop getting judged in public for their infant's cough.. Fact: Whooping cough is basically a toddler's way of auditioning for a horror movie—thankfully, this vaccine keeps the auditions at bay!.
• Headline: Bond Prices Have a Rally For a 2d Day. Impact: The bond rally was so great that it sent financial advisors into a frenzy, causing a brief spike in stock market success rates and a lot of confused investors.. Fact: Bond prices rising is like finding out your favorite pizza place suddenly has gluten-free options—good news, but still a bit suspicious..
• Headline: Warriors' Smith Arraigned. Impact: Smith's arraignment led to stricter codes of conduct for athletes, resulting in them being more careful with their bottles—who knew sports could be so dangerous?. Fact: Malicious wounding sounds way cooler than it is; it’s just a fancy term for ‘not knowing how to handle a party bottle.’.