JUNE 8, 1996

Full News Archive

• Headline: Review of Alcatraz Break-In Film. Impact: Had the filmmakers succeeded in breaking into Alcatraz, they may have inadvertently inspired a wave of heist films, leading to a global obsession with impractical plans to rob the world's most secure locations. As a result, we now have an alarming number of people thinking they can outsmart security systems with elaborate disguises and ridiculous plots.. Fact: Did you know that Alcatraz was actually designed to keep criminals in, not to keep people out? But sure, let's make a movie about breaking in. That makes perfect sense!.
• Headline: Luxury Living Returns to Edgewater, N.J.. Impact: The luxury apartment construction boom in Edgewater, N.J. likely set off a chain reaction of overpriced coffee shops and artisanal donut stores, ensuring that hipsters everywhere would have the perfect place to sip overpriced lattes while discussing their plans to 'live authentically'.. Fact: Did you know that luxury apartments are now so in demand that they come with a complimentary avocado toast for the first month? Just kidding, but wouldn't that be a nice touch?.
• Headline: The Enigmatic Wild Child of Nuremberg. Impact: If the wild child from Nuremberg had been recognized as the heir to the throne, we may have witnessed a bizarre resurgence of royal family reality shows, pitting actual heirs against one another in a quest for the most ridiculous crown, all while ignoring real-world issues.. Fact: Fun fact: The story of the wild child has inspired countless tales, proving that even in the 19th century, people were obsessed with finding the next 'it' royal. Who knew 'heir hunting' was a thing back then?.
• Headline: FILM REVIEW;The Ghost Who Walks And His War With Evil. Impact: This epic showdown between a comic-strip hero and an evil industrialist probably sparked a long-standing tradition of Hollywood villains being portrayed as over-the-top caricatures, influencing generations of screenwriters to believe that every evil genius must have a secret lair and an affinity for monologuing.. Fact: Did you know that comic book villains are often just misunderstood entrepreneurs? They all just want to sell their products—like world domination—without pesky regulations getting in the way!.