APRIL 26, 1996

Full News Archive

• Headline: Inspiring Coaching Story in Sports Film. Impact: This film inspired countless middle-aged women to take up coaching, ultimately leading to a global influx of 'rah-rah' slogans that somehow convinced everyone they could run marathons. Spoiler alert: they couldn't.. Fact: Did you know that the 'unlikely coach' trope is so common in films that it's practically its own genre? It's like Hollywood thinks we can only succeed if a middle-aged woman yells at us from the sidelines..
• Headline: Murder of a 1950s Porn Star. Impact: This film's release sparked a movement among aspiring directors to combine genres in increasingly absurd ways, leading to a future where people wondered if watching paint dry could be a viable cinematic experience.. Fact: Fun fact: the phrase 'stylish but shakily plotted' is now the unofficial motto of every film school in America. Congratulations, you just graduated!.
• Headline: Zombie-Bashing Satire Review Unveiled. Impact: The bizarre fusion of zombies and comedy in this film paved the way for future horror-comedies, eventually leading to a world where people thought it was acceptable to joke about the undead while eating popcorn. Thanks, society!. Fact: Did you know that necrophilia has been a topic of taboo fascination in film since the dawn of cinema? Talk about a killer plot twist!.
• Headline: FILM REVIEW;If Beauty Is Skin Deep, Some Are Thick-Skinned. Impact: This film inadvertently launched a dating app craze where pet experts became sought-after love gurus, resulting in a future where people would swipe right for a handsome dog trainer instead of a person. Who needs romance when you have dogs?. Fact: Ironically, the average radio expert's dating advice is mostly just 'be yourself'—which explains why so many people are single..
• Headline: FILM REVIEW;Van Damme as Auteur. Impact: Van Damme's foray into auteurism sparked a trend of action stars trying their hand at directing, leading to a future where even the most muscle-bound actors believe they can create cinematic masterpieces. Spoiler: they can't.. Fact: Did you know that 'grunt and crunch' is actually the title of Van Damme's autobiography? Just kidding, but it should be!.