APRIL 20, 1996

Full News Archive

• Headline: Film Review: High School Drama Unveiled. Impact: If only this soldier had chosen a different high school project, perhaps we'd have fewer reality TV shows centered around misguided teens and their bizarre mentors. Who knew a simple drug-ridden school could lead to a plethora of questionable educational programs?. Fact: This movie was so garish, the school's mascot had to file for emotional distress..
• Headline: Celtics Fans' Bizarre Kidnapping Comedy. Impact: Kidnapping a star player? That’s just the first step in a long line of 'comedy' that leads to the rise of reality TV and the eventual downfall of humanity's sense of humor. Thanks, Celtics fans!. Fact: This is the only documented case where a basketball player was held for ransom and the ransom was 'please stop making this movie'..
• Headline: Family Dynamics in A Sister, A Brother. Impact: The depiction of family bonds in films like this often leads to more melodramatic family reunions in real life, where everyone fights over who gets the last slice of pizza at the funeral.. Fact: Catherine Deneuve's emotional performances are so powerful that they often leave audiences questioning their own life choices. Spoiler: It's always pizza-related..
• Headline: FILM REVIEW;Flyboys and Farm Girls on a War's Edge. Impact: This romance between a WWII pilot and a farmer’s wife probably inspired countless 'love across the battlefield' stories, leading to the rise of cheesy Hallmark movies. Thanks for that, lovebirds!. Fact: The true tragedy here is that this film probably inspired more flights of fancy than actual aviation careers..
• Headline: FILM REVIEW;A Brooklyn Enclave Feverish With Love and the Lottery. Impact: Interlocking love stories in Brooklyn? That’s just a fancy way of saying everyone is one awkward lottery win away from a rom-com disaster. Don't worry, it all ends with someone getting a cat.. Fact: This film was so shaky that it was almost classified as an earthquake documentary..
• Headline: Interlopers And the Men Who Love Them. Impact: This case of mistaken identity could have changed the trajectory of reality TV, had the pregnant woman decided to embrace her ‘rich matriarch’ persona and start a lifestyle blog.. Fact: Shirley’s ability to almost make it work led to the invention of the phrase 'fake it till you make it.'.
• Headline: FILM REVIEW;Of Goofy Mad Scientists And Aliens in Bad Wigs. Impact: Wisecracking robots? This film likely set off a chain reaction leading to the eventual creation of sentient AI that now judges us for our poor movie choices. Thanks, cinephiles!. Fact: The robots were so good at delivering wisecracks, they were almost signed for a late-night talk show..
• Headline: WORLD NEWS BRIEFS;U.S. Official Dismissed; Opposed All Land Mines. Impact: Dismissal of an official who opposed land mines? This event probably led to a long line of officials being dismissed for far less, eventually resulting in the world's most chaotic game of musical chairs.. Fact: This speech was so controversial that it inspired a spin-off series titled 'The Real Politicians of Georgetown.'.