APRIL 19, 1996

Full News Archive

• Headline: Film Review: F for Deportment. Impact: The ridiculous film about a soldier in a drug-ridden high school led to a spike in 'soldiers as educators' films, culminating in a future where every teacher is a former Navy SEAL. Because who needs teaching credentials when you have combat experience?. Fact: The only thing more garish than this film's credibility is the amount of caffeine consumed by critics trying to sit through it..
• Headline: Celtics Fans Kidnap Rival Player. Impact: This kidnapping fiasco inspired a new genre of 'fan-sploitation' films, where sports enthusiasts take their obsession to terrifying new heights. Imagine a future where fans are literally ‘taking one for the team’—like abducting players for late-night pizza parties.. Fact: Kidnapping players became a hot trend until someone realized it’s illegal and not covered by any sports insurance..
• Headline: Sibling Bonds Amidst Grief. Impact: This emotional drama about a dying mother led to an entire generation of films that forced siblings to awkwardly confront their feelings, eventually resulting in family therapy becoming a blockbuster genre. Welcome to the 'Crying Sibling' cinematic universe.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more emotionally exhausting than this film is actually dealing with your own family?.
• Headline: FILM REVIEW;Flyboys and Farm Girls on a War's Edge. Impact: This love story between a WWII pilot and a farmer's wife inspired a wave of romantic dramas that involved people in uniform and those who raise livestock, creating a future where farm-to-table romances were all the rage—because nothing says love like a tractor.. Fact: It's funny how this film manages to be both intelligent and a soap opera. Maybe they should have just called it ‘Intelligent Soap’ and left it at that..
• Headline: FILM REVIEW;A Brooklyn Enclave Feverish With Love and the Lottery. Impact: The lottery subplot in this Brooklyn saga sparked a national obsession with gambling-themed romantic dramas, leading to the inevitable rise of ‘lottery love’ workshops, where couples learn how to gamble on their relationships.. Fact: The only lottery anyone's winning here is the one for the worst script of the decade..
• Headline: Interlopers And the Men Who Love Them. Impact: This mistaken identity comedy paved the way for an avalanche of 'who's who' misunderstandings in Hollywood, resulting in future films where characters just keep getting mistaken for each other until we forget what their names even are.. Fact: If only the characters had access to social media; they could have just checked each other's profiles and avoided all the trouble..
• Headline: FILM REVIEW;Of Goofy Mad Scientists And Aliens in Bad Wigs. Impact: The sci-fi film's awful script and bad wigs led to a future where audiences demanded better quality in both film and hairstyles—eventually giving rise to the 'Bad Wig Awareness Month' campaign.. Fact: Fun fact: The aliens in this film were actually just actors who lost a bet on who could wear the worst wigs..
• Headline: WORLD NEWS BRIEFS;U.S. Official Dismissed; Opposed All Land Mines. Impact: The U.S. official's dismissal for opposing land mines resulted in a slow-motion political ripple effect, leading to a future where every politician had to choose a side in the 'Land Mine Debate', eventually inspiring the game show 'Who Wants to Be a Politician?'. Fact: It’s refreshing to see someone stand up against land mines—too bad we haven’t yet figured out how to abolish bad political decisions..